A final good-bye to the Awkward Catholic

After little thought and very little actual discernment I have decided to shut this blog down and move to a new blog in hopes I feel more compelled to blog more. No longer do I feel like an 'Awkward Catholic'. It's time fore a more grown up blog with grown-up thoughts (no worries- the snark will never go away).  I will keep this blog up for good laughs.

Here's the new blog- Please do visit!

http://monroetomonroe.blogspot.com/ 

Religious life is weird

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Editors note: I'm writing this on an iPhone so apologies for typos and awkward sentence. Also, as a reflection of my new stage in religious life I changed the look and name of the blog. Enjoy!

Last Sunday, my community (I get to say that now) welcomed two new novices. One of whom was living with me and two other sisters at our community's (it really is fun saying that) welcoming house.
It was a wonderful and joyous celebration without hardly a dry eye in the congregation. It was great to walk into my community's (still fun) chapel knowing all I had to do was celebrate this momentous event. I kinda felt like Prince Harry at his brother's wedding. Just smile and wave and be thankful I'm out of the spotlight. And serve the nuns coffee. Always do that.
Although quite a few sisters after the ceremony elbowed me saying something about how that'll be me next year. It took everything in me not to dry heave.
Tonight, we had the new novice's mom and step-dad over for soccer and dinner for their last night in town. They're an incredible couple who were fascinated with our way of life.
Tonight, is also the new novice's last night at our house.
It's a strange feeling because in a normal room mate situation, once someone moves out you usually don't live with them again. Or you don't have much contact with them. Not so true in religious life. We may live together next year or we may never live together. We may live in the same city (most likely Detroit) or we may live across the country. Or in different countries.
However, if things continue the way they are, we'll be connected in ways I could not image a week and a half ago.
It was a week and a half ago that everyone in the congregation raised their right hand and read a prayer asking for God's blessing on my classmate and I's continued discernment. Something changed inside me. It's hard to discribe and will probably take most of my time as a candidate to articulate. It's a feeling of inclusivity. Or standing on solid ground that is moving at the same time. During my own ceremony in between thoughts of dry heaving and running I kept thinking that I was doing the right thing. Always a good thought to have at a welcoming ceremony. Running and dry heaving not so much.
So.
Our small community (still fun) will change in a big way. My classmate for a few months moved in tonight. She was in a community a few years ago so she's well versed in community living. At the end of August she will be received as a novice, or promoted as I like to say. And again our community (fun!) will change.

The acceptance

On my third visit to "my nuns" I helped a sister work on her computer. She instructed me on how to get on the internet. I dutifully followed her instructions and saw the familiar google page.
She stood up smiling and said "you're in."

And she kept saying it over and over.

Suddenly I realized she wasn't talking about getting on the internet.

Five years later I'm hearing the president of "my nuns" say those words to me: "you're in."

The shock hasn't quite settled. I never imaged feeling the way I feel right now. I just replay that moment when the president opened her arms to welcome me into the community.
It wasn't the most glamous of moments. I was in my favorite sweatpants and t-shirt watching Anderson Cooper.
She walked in smiling while my nun-roommates watched on. Once we hugged, they grabbed the scotch her and a beer for me.
The stupid smile never leaving my face.

The journey will be hard at times; easy at others; painful; joyful; full. I'm apart of something much bigger than myself. Something that I prayed for; cried about; lost sleep; lost friends; gained friends; moved across the country for.

I'm in....the beginning of the formation process. There will be more tears, more sleepless nights but I won't do it alone. I will talk about my feelings more I want to and will have disagreements with my sisters (it's already happened).
But a mysterious God called and I am still answering. It's lead me to here: sitting in my sweat pants with a stupid smile on my face. 

Convent livin': three months and I'm still here

The moment came one Sunday night after watching Downton Abbey. 

"Sister, stop while you're ahead."

"I'm sorry, I'm drinking the whole thing. It's too good!"

We were talking about black tea.

This is a typical scene from my life at the convent. It might seem boring but it has been anything but boring. 

My world has been turned upside down. My ass has been kicked. I have been proved that I may not know everything...or anything. Mostly anything. 

In the past three months conversations like this has transpired more times than I would like to admit:

Do you know where so and so is?

Me: no.

Have you met so and so?

Me: no.

Do you know how to do this or that?

Me: no.

I've been so frustrated by the not knowing that I could actually cry. 

Of course there is a grace to not knowing; to have had to rely on others to help me navigate everyday life. I have clung to my nuns, GPS and God like I've never done before. 

I have wrestled with more doubt about my life choice than I ever have. But as the vocation director said: it's not your until you struggle with it. 

So I guess it's firmly mine now.

Although this winter has been rough. (Rough doesn't ever cover it!) I have laughed more than I ever have, discovered who I am more deeply, and learned to talk with God more than ever.

I think that's what God wanted all along.

Convent livin'

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

The day finally came when I packed up all of my things in my car and drove to Michigan. I thought about what that day would look like...

It was be sunny, the birds would be singing and I would be fully confident in my life choice.

In reality...

Not so much..

It was 4am, dark as sin, and 9 degrees out. And I was not so confident I had made the right choice.
Instead of praying to God like this:

Oh God, thank you so much for this wonderful opportunity! I am so blessed to be your humble child. May you guide me to always do your will.

In reality...

God please let my car not start. I'm not confident my life choices. Are you sure you weren't drunk when you had this plan in mind? I'm not sure of my own sobriety right now.

As I've spent the last two days unpacking and getting to know my sister-roommates a bit more, I've slowly started to calm down. As I was unpacking I listened to a history of Religious Life in the United States and really related to the sisters who set sail to the 'new world'. They left everything they ever knew to help the people of God. I thought about how scared yet excited they must have been to set out on this new adventure. And they did it together, hand in hand.
Although everything is brand new, I have yet to feel alone. I feel my future sisters presence with me as I unpack and take the next step to become one of them.
So. These next few months are going to be very busy. However, with my sisters and enough beer, I will be just fine.
 

Awkward Updates

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Okay. Someone shared my blog on facebook and now I feel compelled to give an update.

So. Updates.

I'm in the application process with 'my nuns'. You would think that this would provide a plethora of awkward situations to write about but...

Nope.

Now, that doesn't mean I haven't had my fair share of freakouts. One night, while having a few beers with friends I convinced myself (very loudly) that I was not going to pass the psych exam.
One of friends, being a candidate with my nuns, describe many of the tests I would go through.

It still took them an hour to calm me down.

A part of the application is to answer a few reflections questions. The vocation Director said that this would be a great opportunity to learn about myself. I thought this part would be the biggest pain in the butt to finish but this is actually my favorite part. The Vocation Director was right, I'm learning a lot about myself. (Please don't tell her I said that.)

A pro-tip for any of you nun-to-be's: go to Panera, pop in the headphones and listen to Amy Grant radio on Pandora. There is no way the Holy Spirit will be absent for that.

Being in the application stage is a big step in the discernment process. But there's still a lot more discerning and praying to do. Really, we don't ever stop discerning. Ever.

Another update: I got a BIG GIRL JOB and will be MOVING INTO A CONVENT. The great thing about this convent is that I've stayed there when I came for visits. The nuns are great and easy to be around. I know I'll fit in really well.

And they're Downton Abbey fans.

As for the Big Girl Job...I will be working for and with a few of my nuns.

I will be surrounded by nuns 24/7.

That's it for the updates. I will *try* to post here a least once a month. For smaller, snarkier musing check out my tumblr page and follow me on twitter.
There's a possibility that I'm addicted to social media.
 

Nunnabe Diaries: Drinking a Beer with God

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I am/was in a rough spot. Not only was I grieving over the lost of my grandma but trying to discern where God was calling me. I had run myself into the ground. There was so many things that needed to get done but no energy to do it. I thought 'hey, I'm young! I should have enough energy to do all these things!'.  Of course, I was wrong. It wasn't so much the physical tasks but the spiritual tasks that did me in.
There are decisions that needed to be made; decisions I thought were already made. It could be my impatience on this matter but it made me doubt God's timing. So thinking and over thinking began. I knew it was driving me mad but I needed to know what my future held. I pushed through hoping I would get my answer.

I realized I was slowly killing myself in the process.

This isn't the first time I've gotten myself in this situation. Far from it. When discerning God's call we often get ourselves in these binds. Sister Sandra Schneider calls them 'analysis paralysis'. It's when we start analyzing a decision so much we become too afraid to make that decision. Or there are so many decisions to make we simply stop. We think and we think going no where.
What do we do when we get ourselves in these situations? The first step is to recognize when we reached 'analysis paralysis'. The second is to stop the cycle. The third is to make the decision. (Of course there are many smaller steps in between, but those are the main steps.) I want to focus on the second step: stopping the cycle.
What do I do to stop the cycle? I simply stop thinking. Now, before you say 'that's impossible!' let me tell you want I did tonight.

I turned off my phone, popped in Despicable Me' and drank a couple of beers.

It worked. As soon as I opened that first beer and watched the movie my chest started to loosen up. I didn't think about nuns, decisions, life, ANYTHING except for how cute the minions looked.
I didn't ask God what He wanted from me. I simply invited Him over for a movie, popcorn and beer.
(I like to think that God drinks Bud Light Lime.)
It was a nice night and will continue to be nice night.

To my fellow discerners, when stuck in 'analysis paralysis' simply stop, drop and roll. Stop the thinking, drop what you're doing and roll with God.

Now back to my movie and beer night with God.