J.M.J.A.T.K.G
Very recently, I have taken up running as a hobby. It's been a lot of hard work and a bit painful but I must say I truly enjoy it.
One day, I ran two miles for the first time in five years. I admit that there were times I truly thought I couldn't go on- I think it was around lap 7 I thought this. But for some reason I just kept running. I never stopped- no matter how many times I thought about it. I just kept running.
Later that night I called my parents to check up and to remind them I'm going to visit "my nuns" later that week. What I thought would be a 5 minute conversation ended up with me crying.
And I never cry.
It wasn't tears of sadness so much as of relief. No, neither of my parents are happy about my choice but they won't disown me. Ever. Yes, that was my fear that led to my eternal relief.
After the conversation I was both physically and emotionally exhausted. I have never felt that tired in my life. I thought there's no way I could find the energy to go on this visit but I just kept packing. I thought back to earlier that day when I wouldn't stop running and how proud (and exhausted) I was after I finished mile two. I knew that if I continued discerning I would test my parents promise. I would have to open a place in my heart that haven't shared with them. Thinking about all this made me even more exhausted but I just kept packing.
This discernment thing just reached a whole new level of realness.
In retrospect, I know that if I didn't run so much I would not have been able to chase my dog when she got loose the other night. (My parents really would have disowned me if I lost her)
As for the nun visit...I discovered I am a better me when I am with them. My soul catches their spirit and runs with it. (Pun intended) I have become more aware of my surroundings and the needs of others (I just don't know what to do with those needs yet). They are truly the best thing that I has ever happened to me.
Some of the greatest decisions of my life have left me wondering why I started on that path in the first place. I thought I was insane starting out but after some perspective I found that I had made the right choice.
Even though things have gotten so much more real I can't help but be amazed at how this discernment journey makes itself new again. There's no fear of this ever getting boring.
However, I still think I need a nap.
Very recently, I have taken up running as a hobby. It's been a lot of hard work and a bit painful but I must say I truly enjoy it.
One day, I ran two miles for the first time in five years. I admit that there were times I truly thought I couldn't go on- I think it was around lap 7 I thought this. But for some reason I just kept running. I never stopped- no matter how many times I thought about it. I just kept running.
Later that night I called my parents to check up and to remind them I'm going to visit "my nuns" later that week. What I thought would be a 5 minute conversation ended up with me crying.
And I never cry.
It wasn't tears of sadness so much as of relief. No, neither of my parents are happy about my choice but they won't disown me. Ever. Yes, that was my fear that led to my eternal relief.
After the conversation I was both physically and emotionally exhausted. I have never felt that tired in my life. I thought there's no way I could find the energy to go on this visit but I just kept packing. I thought back to earlier that day when I wouldn't stop running and how proud (and exhausted) I was after I finished mile two. I knew that if I continued discerning I would test my parents promise. I would have to open a place in my heart that haven't shared with them. Thinking about all this made me even more exhausted but I just kept packing.
This discernment thing just reached a whole new level of realness.
In retrospect, I know that if I didn't run so much I would not have been able to chase my dog when she got loose the other night. (My parents really would have disowned me if I lost her)
As for the nun visit...I discovered I am a better me when I am with them. My soul catches their spirit and runs with it. (Pun intended) I have become more aware of my surroundings and the needs of others (I just don't know what to do with those needs yet). They are truly the best thing that I has ever happened to me.
Some of the greatest decisions of my life have left me wondering why I started on that path in the first place. I thought I was insane starting out but after some perspective I found that I had made the right choice.
Even though things have gotten so much more real I can't help but be amazed at how this discernment journey makes itself new again. There's no fear of this ever getting boring.
However, I still think I need a nap.
