Nunnabe Diaries: Drinking a Beer with God

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I am/was in a rough spot. Not only was I grieving over the lost of my grandma but trying to discern where God was calling me. I had run myself into the ground. There was so many things that needed to get done but no energy to do it. I thought 'hey, I'm young! I should have enough energy to do all these things!'.  Of course, I was wrong. It wasn't so much the physical tasks but the spiritual tasks that did me in.
There are decisions that needed to be made; decisions I thought were already made. It could be my impatience on this matter but it made me doubt God's timing. So thinking and over thinking began. I knew it was driving me mad but I needed to know what my future held. I pushed through hoping I would get my answer.

I realized I was slowly killing myself in the process.

This isn't the first time I've gotten myself in this situation. Far from it. When discerning God's call we often get ourselves in these binds. Sister Sandra Schneider calls them 'analysis paralysis'. It's when we start analyzing a decision so much we become too afraid to make that decision. Or there are so many decisions to make we simply stop. We think and we think going no where.
What do we do when we get ourselves in these situations? The first step is to recognize when we reached 'analysis paralysis'. The second is to stop the cycle. The third is to make the decision. (Of course there are many smaller steps in between, but those are the main steps.) I want to focus on the second step: stopping the cycle.
What do I do to stop the cycle? I simply stop thinking. Now, before you say 'that's impossible!' let me tell you want I did tonight.

I turned off my phone, popped in Despicable Me' and drank a couple of beers.

It worked. As soon as I opened that first beer and watched the movie my chest started to loosen up. I didn't think about nuns, decisions, life, ANYTHING except for how cute the minions looked.
I didn't ask God what He wanted from me. I simply invited Him over for a movie, popcorn and beer.
(I like to think that God drinks Bud Light Lime.)
It was a nice night and will continue to be nice night.

To my fellow discerners, when stuck in 'analysis paralysis' simply stop, drop and roll. Stop the thinking, drop what you're doing and roll with God.

Now back to my movie and beer night with God.

The Airport

A few weeks ago a friend and I arrived back at the Miami airport after a week of service in Costa Rica. (More on that week later) We were tired and a little worried that we wouldn't make our flight to St. Louis which was two short hours from the time we landed.
Once the plane landed we sped off to customs, trying to pass as many people as possible. This was no easy task as they had the same idea we did. It was speed walking foot race down a long hallway to...a huge line of people. Having never been to Miami airport or their Customs department more panic started to rise.
One staff member was trying to direct hundreds of tired, impatient travels. I thought maybe Customs was just around the corner but I had no idea how long we would have to wait in the hallway. A few of the travelers were saying they had waited an hour and a half. We would never make our flight.
More panic started to rise.
After less than ten minutes they let us turn the corner...to another huge line. With Customs no where in sight, people really started to push and shove. I had raced ahead of my friend because I had the checked bag in my name with our coffee and honey. The line looked long but it moved fast but we still were not told how long before we got to Customs. While waiting in line I looked up later flights for St. Louis.
As it turns out Customs wasn't that far away and the lines moved very quickly. In fact, from the time we landed to the time we arrived at our gate only an hour and thirty minutes passed. We had thirty minutes to spare.
Once on the plane, I reflected on the past two hours. I thought about how scared we were that we would miss our flight. I thought about how spending a week of absolutely no rushing being forced to into the craziness that is the US Customs. I thought about the rush of excitement as we raced through the airport. I thought about if the staff just told us how long we had to wait we wouldn't have been so scared.
I thought about how this is the same in the spiritual life as well. I don't know about you, but God has never told me how long I have to wait for the things I want or the things He's calling me to. We often get angry when we don't have all the answers. It comes from feeling panicked, which comes from not being in control. But maybe it's a good thing we don't know what's coming We can get complacent. I know I can. Not knowing is apart of the adventure. It was exciting to race through the airport- we felt like we were on the Amazing Race.
God is calling us to be open to the adventure. He is calling us to trust in Him; to stay focused on the task at hand. Sometimes on the adventure we're called to relax one minute and jump into a crazy stressful situation the next. We never know what's going to happen, but that's just apart of the adventure. We need to know that God will take care of us.

The Nunnabe Chronicles: The Pizza Party that went horribly wrong

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

So I've taken up reporting a few stories here and there. This faux-story is based on actual events.


Sister Alice stares absent-minded out the window as she tries to recall 'that night'.
"It was supposed to be a little gathering of our discerners and a few sisters," she sighed. According to her, four young women came over to her convent to have pizza and meet a few of the nuns. Earlier that day one of the discerners asked her if it was okay she brought over her ten-month old nephew.
"'What's the harm?' I thought. Surely nothing could go wrong." Sister Alice took a framed picture of Jesus that was sitting on her desk and shoved it in her desk drawer.
"Oh was I wrong."
According to Sister Alice, there was trouble as soon as the baby and the discerner entered the room. Two of the other discerners raced toward the baby and begged to hold him first. Soon they started to argue. It then got ugly.
"One of the sisters was a negotiator for the United Nations for thirty years. Even she couldn't get those two to stop fighting. The baby had to be taken to another room to avoid being hurt!" Sister Alice exclaimed.
Suddenly, in the middle of the discerner fight the fourth discerner ran out of the room screaming 'BABIES! BABIES EVERYWHERE! GOD WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! IS THIS A SIGN?!'
"We haven't seen or heard from her since."
Sister Alice said that eventually the two fighting discerners calmed down and apologized for fighting. They even cleaned up the broken bottles.
"Discerners believe that if you're discerning Religious Life God will lead you on a straight path to the convent- but that's not what it's about- it's about being open to the adventure. Take the baby fiasco-  sometimes God wants you to see your caretaker side. Sometimes God wants to show you what you're missing. But most of the time, a baby at an event is a baby at an event and nothing more. It's all about how you feel and you need to be calm and silent to hear that still, small voice."
After a long pause Sister Alice starts up again:
"Of course, discerners do that wrong too. They go to think about how to they feel yet they don't also pray about it. They gotta let God in! They also have to have a good spiritual advisor that will be help discerns God's call."
At that, Sister Alice pulled the picture of Jesus out of her desk and said, "May God bless the Vocation Director."

A Special All Souls Day

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I sometimes find being catholic hard, if not impossible. We're not the most respected folks out there and the church's teaching drive me nuts at times.
However, instead of running for door I stay. Yes I not only stay, I thank God for calling me to be Catholic.
Today, I am thankful for the awesomeness of the communion of Saints like never before. I'm extra thankful this year because I have a special "Saint" in heaven watching over me- my mom.
She went home to God a month and a half ago and has not stopped sending me signs that she's watching over me.
It's been very difficult without her- at times nearly impossible- but thanks to the Communion of Saints I know she's watching over my family and I.
I realize my mom is not an official "saint" but I think we can all agree that moms have a special place in God's kin-dom.
So this All Souls' Day I remember the happier times I had with mom and thank God for giving us a gift of the Communion of Saints.

Mother Mary For The Win

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I didn't go to Mass today. Yes, I know- it was a holy day of obligation. To be fair I thought Mass near work started at 6, when I got off, it was at 5. Fail.
However, that's not what this post is exactly about...

A month ago I was told my grandma didn't have long to live. I was beyond devastated, especially since I had planned to move ten hours away to be closer to my nuns later that week. I also had my dream job waiting in the broadcasting field. I had to give that up. Even though it was extremely hard to tell my nuns and that job "not yet" something told me I wouldn't regret staying home.
Since making that decision I have regretted staying home. I told God time and time again that I am not a caretaker, I am a broadcaster and social media guru. People told me how noble and great I was to stay and take care of my grandma. Truth was, I couldn't even think about going out to my grandma's house. The thought of seeing her health deteriorate before my eyes was too much.
The guilt was unbearable. I didn't eat for days. After walking out of Mass one night I realized that I couldn't run if I continued not eating. That night I cleaned my plate and I continue to do so- for the most part. Yes, running saved my life.
However, even running couldn't fix the fact that I was failing as a granddaughter. This woman helped raise me when my parents worked long hours, taught me how to read and how to garden. My family was counting on me to help her with chores around the house and keep her from thinking about what was coming. I was losing my mind.

Tonight I was asked to take over garbage bags to grandma's house. She said she decided to clean out the house so we wouldn't have to after she died. I nearly lost it. I kept screaming in my head that I couldn't do this- that something needed to happen- I couldn't do this alone.
This time, instead of making up an excuse to leave, I stayed and talked. She switched gears and suddenly was making jokes that I was used to hearing.
And then God hit me so hard I can only hope it did permanent damage.

I saw the huge blessing that God was giving me- I couldn't image leaving home. THIS is where I belong right NOW.
As I was pulling out of her drive I remembered that this was the Feast day of the Assumption of Mary. So Mary, yet again, came through for me in a HUGE way.

Thank you, Mother Mary!!!

Nunnabe Diaries: Following

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I was nervous. I couldn't eat, couldn't stop shaking. "What if they don't like me?" "This is such a huge risk." "I could fail a class if I go." "Could I really afford that train ticket?"
Those were the thoughts that swam in my head day in and day out. The only reason I slept was because I was too exhausted to stay awake.

The butterflies were doing major damage to my stomach.

I tried to plan out what I do in every situation. I needed to be prefect. I so wanted them to like me.
I had a small hunch that I would like them...

A week from my first Come and See with "my nuns" I went for a walk. I actually went for a lot walks then because I was useless everywhere else.
I drove to a near-by park and started walking and doing more planning.

Suddenly I heard a voice that sounded like it was outside of me but also in my head*.
It said, "follow me."
I said, "Okay."

Nerves went away and in rushed a peace that has rarely ever left.

The scene of the peace.

I like to think that that was God talking. I'm almost positive it was. What I like about this moment was that God was so gentle. He could have sent a lightening bolt down or wrote "Follow me" in the sky. 

But he didn't. It was the still small voice that I heard. 

In order to hear that voice I must calm myself down. Luckily, Jesus is very good at calming me down. 

Well, him and a glass of wine. 

This moment changed my discernment and possibly my sanity in a big way. I went on that Come and See with a clear head and working stomach. I believe that since these nuns STILL invite me back to their Motherhouse three years later says that it was successful. 

My prayer is for all those who read this blog may listen to that still small voice- it might be small but the adventure is huge.

Nunnabe Diaries: More bits of wisdom from yoda Audra

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Life is still crazy however I'm finding bits of wisdom from a younger me. I swear, I was smarter when I was younger. I don't know what happened to me.

Comments in bold are my comments now.

January 22, 2009

My outlook on life is changing...for the better. This discernment process has been a great thing...but now I feel that trying religious life has to be a long way off...like a few months to a year or when you're 23...but that's okay.
This is the first time that something has made me change...maybe down the line something else will do this to me nope, it's still Religious Life- nice try though.. maybe not, but right now I'm happy of the changes...
Also last night was hard. I doubted everything and I believe it took being so uncertain about things to learn the things I know now. Way to be deep 20 year old me! I really needed to read this today.

It stinks that I have to learn this way but it is what it is.

Nunnabe Diaries: A post from long ago...

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

My life is crazy right now. So instead of neglecting this blog I thought I would share a journal entry I wrote a few years ago...

December 19, 2008

3am

I have to do this...God won't leave me alone. Also, I want to be challenged in my faith and life. I don't think I want to settle down and wonder if...
I want to do something with my life and I need support. I can't do this along..
I have to tell my parents, I have to let my high school friends know. I want to be happy... I love serving. I love God!
This is not going to be easy. But I'm proud of myself for at least trying. I'm so afraid of failure. "What if they (the nuns) accept me? What if I blow my chance at becoming a nun...
Hmm... Sr.Audra...I can deal with that!
Maybe I can sleep at a decent hour now..LOL..nah! I am really happy, relieved that I made a decision...I have to try!
I have potential..I hope they see. I can do great things!

I have to try. Let Go...Let God.

Nunnabe Dairies: A tiny step forward on Mount Everest

J.M.J.A.T.K.G 

About a month ago, I was with my nuns at their Motherhouse or Mothership as we like to call it. I have visited the motherhouse five times before; each time meeting and sometimes remeeting the nuns. Often times I was lead around by either the vocation director or another nun since the motherhouse was so big. Since I was fairly new I would be introduced to every nun that came our way. This meant that I would meet up to fifty nuns during a visit. It was very overwhelming to say the least. (I’m an introvert by nature.)

However this time was different.

When we arrived, the two nuns I rode with had to go to a meeting so that left me to walk to lunch by myself. I’ll never forget how freeing it felt to walk to point A to point B by myself and actually know where I was going. On the way there I came across three nuns who actually knew who I was. (I couldn’t remember their names- they didn’t seem to care)

This happened again and again over the next five days. The anxiety of being in a new place was slowly dissipating. To my surprise, the motherhouse was starting to feel like home. 

I thought I wouldn't miss being lead around the motherhouse or meeting so many nuns, but I did. I was saying good-bye to one phase of discernment that I will never have back - at least with this community. Meeting all of those nuns was overwhelming and exhausting but I can now step back and appreciate it. It obliviously had to be done. Or course, there are many sisters who live far away that I haven't met yet. However, they'll probably know me by seeing my face in several of the order's newsletters and such.

Even though this is only a few small steps on the Mount Everest that is discernment; it's still taking me to new heights. (Very sorry for the cliche but it stays)

Will every step I take be just as bittersweet or more so?

In any case, this whole discernment thing is full of twists and turns that I never expected. I keep thinking that this is so much bigger than I am - it's completely in God's hands. 

This whole discernment thing just got a whole lot more real... and awkward.