A final good-bye to the Awkward Catholic

After little thought and very little actual discernment I have decided to shut this blog down and move to a new blog in hopes I feel more compelled to blog more. No longer do I feel like an 'Awkward Catholic'. It's time fore a more grown up blog with grown-up thoughts (no worries- the snark will never go away).  I will keep this blog up for good laughs.

Here's the new blog- Please do visit!

http://monroetomonroe.blogspot.com/ 

Nunnabe Dairies: At war with myself

Oh, it's World War Three in my head. The first causality was my sanity but I think we all knew that was hanging by a thread.
Decision making is easy, it's the aftermath that's tricky. That's when you have to live in to that decision. You also have time to think about that decision. That's when wars start.
I've always thought that I make the best decisions when I'm caught off guard- but I'm doubting that. Yes, I made a decision off guard and not having a lot of coffee. It was a decision that most think long and hard over. However, I feel good about the decision- almost lighter. I find myself being more focused and organized than ever. It wasn't as if I was never going to make that decision- this was just much sooner than I expected. Actually, it was sooner than anyone expected.
Maybe some of the best decisions we make are the ones we don't expect to make. We just jump in feet first.
Or maybe there is a reason some think long and hard about the decision I made. Yep, my head is spinning.
Yes, it wouldn't be discernment if I didn't doubt everything but my last name.
With any vocation crisis I will take two Aspirin and call the vocation director in the morning.

The Nunnabe Chronicles: The Pizza Party that went horribly wrong

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

So I've taken up reporting a few stories here and there. This faux-story is based on actual events.


Sister Alice stares absent-minded out the window as she tries to recall 'that night'.
"It was supposed to be a little gathering of our discerners and a few sisters," she sighed. According to her, four young women came over to her convent to have pizza and meet a few of the nuns. Earlier that day one of the discerners asked her if it was okay she brought over her ten-month old nephew.
"'What's the harm?' I thought. Surely nothing could go wrong." Sister Alice took a framed picture of Jesus that was sitting on her desk and shoved it in her desk drawer.
"Oh was I wrong."
According to Sister Alice, there was trouble as soon as the baby and the discerner entered the room. Two of the other discerners raced toward the baby and begged to hold him first. Soon they started to argue. It then got ugly.
"One of the sisters was a negotiator for the United Nations for thirty years. Even she couldn't get those two to stop fighting. The baby had to be taken to another room to avoid being hurt!" Sister Alice exclaimed.
Suddenly, in the middle of the discerner fight the fourth discerner ran out of the room screaming 'BABIES! BABIES EVERYWHERE! GOD WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! IS THIS A SIGN?!'
"We haven't seen or heard from her since."
Sister Alice said that eventually the two fighting discerners calmed down and apologized for fighting. They even cleaned up the broken bottles.
"Discerners believe that if you're discerning Religious Life God will lead you on a straight path to the convent- but that's not what it's about- it's about being open to the adventure. Take the baby fiasco-  sometimes God wants you to see your caretaker side. Sometimes God wants to show you what you're missing. But most of the time, a baby at an event is a baby at an event and nothing more. It's all about how you feel and you need to be calm and silent to hear that still, small voice."
After a long pause Sister Alice starts up again:
"Of course, discerners do that wrong too. They go to think about how to they feel yet they don't also pray about it. They gotta let God in! They also have to have a good spiritual advisor that will be help discerns God's call."
At that, Sister Alice pulled the picture of Jesus out of her desk and said, "May God bless the Vocation Director."

A Special All Souls Day

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I sometimes find being catholic hard, if not impossible. We're not the most respected folks out there and the church's teaching drive me nuts at times.
However, instead of running for door I stay. Yes I not only stay, I thank God for calling me to be Catholic.
Today, I am thankful for the awesomeness of the communion of Saints like never before. I'm extra thankful this year because I have a special "Saint" in heaven watching over me- my mom.
She went home to God a month and a half ago and has not stopped sending me signs that she's watching over me.
It's been very difficult without her- at times nearly impossible- but thanks to the Communion of Saints I know she's watching over my family and I.
I realize my mom is not an official "saint" but I think we can all agree that moms have a special place in God's kin-dom.
So this All Souls' Day I remember the happier times I had with mom and thank God for giving us a gift of the Communion of Saints.

Mother Mary For The Win

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I didn't go to Mass today. Yes, I know- it was a holy day of obligation. To be fair I thought Mass near work started at 6, when I got off, it was at 5. Fail.
However, that's not what this post is exactly about...

A month ago I was told my grandma didn't have long to live. I was beyond devastated, especially since I had planned to move ten hours away to be closer to my nuns later that week. I also had my dream job waiting in the broadcasting field. I had to give that up. Even though it was extremely hard to tell my nuns and that job "not yet" something told me I wouldn't regret staying home.
Since making that decision I have regretted staying home. I told God time and time again that I am not a caretaker, I am a broadcaster and social media guru. People told me how noble and great I was to stay and take care of my grandma. Truth was, I couldn't even think about going out to my grandma's house. The thought of seeing her health deteriorate before my eyes was too much.
The guilt was unbearable. I didn't eat for days. After walking out of Mass one night I realized that I couldn't run if I continued not eating. That night I cleaned my plate and I continue to do so- for the most part. Yes, running saved my life.
However, even running couldn't fix the fact that I was failing as a granddaughter. This woman helped raise me when my parents worked long hours, taught me how to read and how to garden. My family was counting on me to help her with chores around the house and keep her from thinking about what was coming. I was losing my mind.

Tonight I was asked to take over garbage bags to grandma's house. She said she decided to clean out the house so we wouldn't have to after she died. I nearly lost it. I kept screaming in my head that I couldn't do this- that something needed to happen- I couldn't do this alone.
This time, instead of making up an excuse to leave, I stayed and talked. She switched gears and suddenly was making jokes that I was used to hearing.
And then God hit me so hard I can only hope it did permanent damage.

I saw the huge blessing that God was giving me- I couldn't image leaving home. THIS is where I belong right NOW.
As I was pulling out of her drive I remembered that this was the Feast day of the Assumption of Mary. So Mary, yet again, came through for me in a HUGE way.

Thank you, Mother Mary!!!

Nunnabe Diaries: Following

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I was nervous. I couldn't eat, couldn't stop shaking. "What if they don't like me?" "This is such a huge risk." "I could fail a class if I go." "Could I really afford that train ticket?"
Those were the thoughts that swam in my head day in and day out. The only reason I slept was because I was too exhausted to stay awake.

The butterflies were doing major damage to my stomach.

I tried to plan out what I do in every situation. I needed to be prefect. I so wanted them to like me.
I had a small hunch that I would like them...

A week from my first Come and See with "my nuns" I went for a walk. I actually went for a lot walks then because I was useless everywhere else.
I drove to a near-by park and started walking and doing more planning.

Suddenly I heard a voice that sounded like it was outside of me but also in my head*.
It said, "follow me."
I said, "Okay."

Nerves went away and in rushed a peace that has rarely ever left.

The scene of the peace.

I like to think that that was God talking. I'm almost positive it was. What I like about this moment was that God was so gentle. He could have sent a lightening bolt down or wrote "Follow me" in the sky. 

But he didn't. It was the still small voice that I heard. 

In order to hear that voice I must calm myself down. Luckily, Jesus is very good at calming me down. 

Well, him and a glass of wine. 

This moment changed my discernment and possibly my sanity in a big way. I went on that Come and See with a clear head and working stomach. I believe that since these nuns STILL invite me back to their Motherhouse three years later says that it was successful. 

My prayer is for all those who read this blog may listen to that still small voice- it might be small but the adventure is huge.

Nunnabe Diaries: The Wedding

J.M.J.A.T.K.G


Last weekend I attended my friends wedding. She was a good friend of mine in college- in fact she was like a mother to me. She was my biggest supporter when I first started discerning and led me to google anunslife.org - which then lead me to finding my nuns. This is the first wedding in which the bride and the groom are younger than I am- but not by much.
So back to the wedding...
All though-out the ceremony I kept thinking that they were too young- that this isn't real- we're all just playing house right now.
I thought why am I in this big girl dress and when was nap time? Was it just four years ago that Amber and I planned her wedding until 2 in the morning? (You wouldn't think that I would have enjoyed that - you're quite wrong - I want to be the first nun wedding planner. I love weddings.) 
And then there was the sacrament itself- it's just too damn pretty... and a nunnabe killer. 
Again, marriage is a beautiful sacrament and the bride was radiating joy that we all felt. So you couldn't blame me if I wanted to be in her shoes. 
However, that wasn't necessarily the case. Amber and Nick were living out who they truly were... And that made me appreciate my own me-ness. I looked around at my group of college friends and could see all of our puzzle pieces slowly starting to fit together. We were getting engaged, finding "big people" jobs and moving towards our own me-ness. 
Also because two people found their vocation we gathered together to celebrate and be with one another. And celebrate we did- It was a Catholic wedding after all...
After I got back home the same group of friends decided to hang out once again. While playing cards I kept thinking that because Amber and Nick got married we were having another great night together.
This doesn't happen with just weddings- it also happens when Religious take vows or have jubilees. People gather together to celebrate and be with one another. 
It's one of those moments when it's obvious the vocation becomes bigger than the one or two taking vows. And that my friends is one of the reasons why vocations are awesome. 

Nunnabe Diaries: More bits of wisdom from yoda Audra

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Life is still crazy however I'm finding bits of wisdom from a younger me. I swear, I was smarter when I was younger. I don't know what happened to me.

Comments in bold are my comments now.

January 22, 2009

My outlook on life is changing...for the better. This discernment process has been a great thing...but now I feel that trying religious life has to be a long way off...like a few months to a year or when you're 23...but that's okay.
This is the first time that something has made me change...maybe down the line something else will do this to me nope, it's still Religious Life- nice try though.. maybe not, but right now I'm happy of the changes...
Also last night was hard. I doubted everything and I believe it took being so uncertain about things to learn the things I know now. Way to be deep 20 year old me! I really needed to read this today.

It stinks that I have to learn this way but it is what it is.

Nunnabe Dairies: A tiny step forward on Mount Everest

J.M.J.A.T.K.G 

About a month ago, I was with my nuns at their Motherhouse or Mothership as we like to call it. I have visited the motherhouse five times before; each time meeting and sometimes remeeting the nuns. Often times I was lead around by either the vocation director or another nun since the motherhouse was so big. Since I was fairly new I would be introduced to every nun that came our way. This meant that I would meet up to fifty nuns during a visit. It was very overwhelming to say the least. (I’m an introvert by nature.)

However this time was different.

When we arrived, the two nuns I rode with had to go to a meeting so that left me to walk to lunch by myself. I’ll never forget how freeing it felt to walk to point A to point B by myself and actually know where I was going. On the way there I came across three nuns who actually knew who I was. (I couldn’t remember their names- they didn’t seem to care)

This happened again and again over the next five days. The anxiety of being in a new place was slowly dissipating. To my surprise, the motherhouse was starting to feel like home. 

I thought I wouldn't miss being lead around the motherhouse or meeting so many nuns, but I did. I was saying good-bye to one phase of discernment that I will never have back - at least with this community. Meeting all of those nuns was overwhelming and exhausting but I can now step back and appreciate it. It obliviously had to be done. Or course, there are many sisters who live far away that I haven't met yet. However, they'll probably know me by seeing my face in several of the order's newsletters and such.

Even though this is only a few small steps on the Mount Everest that is discernment; it's still taking me to new heights. (Very sorry for the cliche but it stays)

Will every step I take be just as bittersweet or more so?

In any case, this whole discernment thing is full of twists and turns that I never expected. I keep thinking that this is so much bigger than I am - it's completely in God's hands. 

This whole discernment thing just got a whole lot more real... and awkward.  

 

New Running Shoes

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

To continue on the theme of running (because not everyone knows how great of a runner I have become*) here is another post on running.

A few weeks ago at work a coworker pulled out a brand new pair of running shoes from our lost and found. (We have a policy that if you leave something for 30 days - we give it to a thrift store.) She said this was the first time since we opened six months ago that someone left a pair of shoes.
I wanted to try them on but I thought there was no way they would fit. I would have to bite the bullet and buy a brand new pair. At that point I hadn't been able to run because my old pair was just too warn out. It was frustrating because I was really starting to get into the groove.
The next day when I came into work they were sitting in the same spot - a rarity. Usually the pile is immediately washed and taken to the thrift store. When the shoes were finally taken away to be washed, I mentioned to my coworker that I might want the shoes. As soon as I told her, she was bound and determined to get me those shoes. After some tough and confusing negotiations with the maintenance staff (the folks that handle the lost and found stuff) I was told to wait until the shoes had dried. Then I was to take them to my boss to decide on the price. But I was warned that my boss never gives a fair price.
After that I was useless at work. Those shoes were all I could think about. I was so giddy and couldn't stop smiling - this was just too prefect. I needed a new pair of shoes but really didn't want to spend the $80 on a new pair. I seriously thought I would have to give up my new found love. Plus, running had become a great way to pray and learn all sorts of life lessons.
So. After I clocked out I went to try on the shoes (I still didn't know if they would even fit). I slipped on the still wet shoes - it was a prefect fit. I grabbed the shoes and took them to my boss hoping he would give me a fair price.

Four dollars he said. Fair enough.

I gave him 5 because I was such a pain in the butt about the shoes.

God truly answered my prayers. I think this is the first time God came through in such an obvious way. Although I was praying for much bigger things God specially answered a resounding "YES" to this one. I don't know why God answered this prayer so quickly and taking Her sweet time on the bigger prayers. However, I'm not complaining.

*Not exactly true on being a great runner. I'm getting there though. 

Nunabe Diaries: Just. Keep. Running

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Very recently, I have taken up running as a hobby. It's been a lot of hard work and a bit painful but I must say I truly enjoy it.
One day, I ran two miles for the first time in five years. I admit that there were times I truly thought I couldn't go on- I think it was around lap 7 I thought this. But for some reason I just kept running. I never stopped- no matter how many times I thought about it. I just kept running.
Later that night I called my parents to check up and to remind them I'm going to visit "my nuns" later that week. What I thought would be a 5 minute conversation ended up with me crying.

And I never cry.

 It wasn't tears of sadness so much as of relief. No, neither of my parents are happy about my choice but they won't disown me. Ever. Yes, that was my fear that led to my eternal relief.
After the conversation I was both physically and emotionally exhausted. I have never felt that tired in my life. I thought there's no way I could find the energy to go on this visit but I just kept packing. I thought back to earlier that day when I wouldn't stop running and how proud (and exhausted) I was after I finished mile two. I knew that if I continued discerning I would test my parents promise. I would have to open a place in my heart that  haven't shared with them. Thinking about all this made me even more exhausted but I just kept packing.

This discernment thing just reached a whole new level of realness.

In retrospect, I know that if I didn't run so much I would not have been able to chase my dog when she got loose the other night. (My parents really would have disowned me if I lost her)
As for the nun visit...I discovered I am a better me when I am with them. My soul catches their spirit and runs with it. (Pun intended) I have become more aware of my surroundings and the needs of others (I just don't know what to do with those needs yet). They are truly the best thing that I has ever happened to me.
Some of the greatest decisions of my life have left me wondering why I started on that path in the first place. I thought I was insane starting out but after some perspective I found that I had made the right choice.
Even though things have gotten so much more real I can't help but be amazed at how this discernment journey makes itself new again. There's no fear of this ever getting boring.

However, I still think I need a nap.

White Girl Problems

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Last Friday, I came upon a site called whitewhine.com. It takes tweets and facebook posts of people complaining about the most ridiculous things. While I laughed at a few of the posts- I was horrified at some of the "complaints". People were truly upset about the new iPhone, road construction at early hours and interactions with non-English speakers.
Even though I left the website with a sick stomach- it did make me think. I asked myself what do I complain about? Is it a white girl problem or a real problem?
Of course, whatever the problem God will always listen to me. God will never say "Oh girl please! That's a white girl problem- you're on your own!"
Although I've never been one to complain to others. Over the weekend I medidated on what problems irritate me. I asked myself, "Should I be upset about this? Will getting upset solve anything? Again is this a while girl problem?" The answers was usually "no" "no" and "yes". This helped me relax and have a smile on my face.
I also maveled at how well God truly knows me. (S)he used a little humor and alittle "shock therapy" to help me mediate on what really matters.

God is awesome.

A time out for God

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Every once and a while I will get a tugging in my heart from God. This tugging I've learn is God's way of saying to me "Audra, I need you to listen to me. I need all of you." These tugging moments usually don't come at the best of times. For example, eating dinner with a group of friends in the caf, in the middle of running errands and so on. But I try the best that I can to drop everything and be with God. It's usually not for a long time but just enough time to refocus myself on what truly matters- serving God with my whole heart. I love these quiet and peaceful moments and my heart always leaves full- it's like a spiritual all-you-can-eat buffet. Here's one of the songs I listen to get me in the prayerful mood:

A little update of why I've completely neglected this blog.

Life has been a bit crazy for the past three weeks. On September 19th I started working for a Salvation Army Kroc Center in town. I can honestly say that it's one of the best jobs I've ever had- if not the greatest. My co-workers are great people (for the most part) we work so well together and never leave each other stranded when a difficult customer comes through the line. Plus, the Kroc Center is so new and different that people are always blown away at what we have to offer the community. It's easy to feel proud working there.
Another great thing about the Kroc Center is the diversity of people we get- one minute I'm helping a former politician with his membership then the next assisting a homeless person find shelter for the night. Each person has a different need and it's my job to assist them in whichever way I can.
So now that things have settled down -I'm no longer working 45 plus hours between two job- as I was for the past two weeks. I can now focus more attention to this blog! Whoo!

They will know I'm Catholic by the stupid look on my face- A visit to my younger self.

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

(Editors note: I wrote this in April of '08 after visiting my first christian service and decided to post it as a Facebook note. Reading it again made me cringe as I remembered how closed minded I was. I know now that it's all the same God or even if you don't believe in that God- as long as you're a good person- I'm fine. It's not my job to judge or condemn.)

You have probably heard at one point in your life the song "They will know we are Christians by our love." Well today I changed those words. Now the words that are running though my head are "They will know I'm Catholic by the stupid look on my face". Same tune- different message.
The reason for this change begins at around 9:00 A.M. this morning. That was when I walked into the Madison Christian Church for the first time.
OK let me tell how this came to be...A couple of weeks ago I was talking with Peggy, QU's campus minster, as usual our conversations rapidly change for subject to subject. Nothing usually too deep just about past experiences and such. I had mentioned to her that I have never gone to a protestant service before. Peggy, being a protestant herself, invited me to go to her church. I accepted so now here we are, my first protestant service.
Right when we walked into the church, I knew I was no longer in Rome. ( I changed it from Kansas to Rome, Rome- center of Catholic religion?) As soon as we walked in, we were greeted with a hug from a lady and a handshake from a man both of whom I have obviously never met. (Yep definitely not Rome.) The entrance to the church looked like something you find at a hotel. There was a front desk with people with name tags standing behind it. (Later I would find out that that was the welcoming desk for newcomers.) There was even a place where you could get coffee, tea, or water. Yeah no coffee in Rome.
As Peggy and I made our way though the crowd; I saw the stares. They knew. They knew I was Catholic. They could smell it, of course the scared look on my face didn't help either. But they seemed to like Peggy so I stayed close. I continued follow her closely into the main church area. With the absence of crucifixes, wooden pews and kneller's. It looked like any other church I've been to. Except all the music equipment on the alter and the huge scene at the front of the church with a slide show of bible verses on it. We Catholics are known as the "frozen chosen" for a reason.
You know the term "step outside your comfort zone", well I was so far into my zone it would days to find me. Of course Peggy and I had sat about four or fives rows from the front. Yep definitely wasn't coming out of my zone. A couple minutes later the worship band came out. I have to admit they were really good. The singing was amazing. After the first two songs were over, we stood up to greet one another. That was when I decided to venture a little out of my zone. Not all the way but enough. I was beginning to find out that these people were really really nice, and accepting.
After greeting everyone around me, the band started playing "How great is our God", one of my favorite songs. I started to sing along when I stopped myself. "What if God gets mad at me for singing here?" I know it's a crazy thought but I couldn't help but thinking it. But that was when I really looked around the church, I saw people worshiping, I could tell they loved God..a lot. The band was also getting into it. And there was where I had my ephinany: we all love the same God. It's like my mother said; No matter what denomination the story is still the same: Jesus still died and rose from the dead to save us all!*
The rest of the service only confirmed what I had learned. There was a skit about a girl who came out with a red balloon. I didn't get it but it was funny. The message was, I believe, is that we were all taught different beliefs but there is only one truth: that to get to heaven you have to know Jesus first. The pastor later explained that God is not going to ask where you went to church, but if you knew His Son. I had never thought about it in that way, but it made sense to me.
I have always considered myself Catholic- not Christian. They were different, far away from the truth. I would have never considered going to "their" church. But now I'm beginning to think that in order to fully understand Christ we need to step out and learn from each other. An image that popped into my mind while in church this morning was a painting. And that each denomination holds a different color, this painting requires all the different colors to make a single object. Every color, even though it is different is equally important.
I still am Catholic and I will never change, but now I can add being a Christian as well. Maybe next time when I go back "They will know I'm a Christian by my love".**

*Must note that my dad and most sides of my family are not Catholic- yep. I'm a denominational mutt.

**I went back three or four times until Peggy left a year later.

This Catholic is learning a huge life lesson.

J.M.J.A.T.K.A

Last night I settled down for a night of facebook and finishing up a research paper. Right when I logged on to facebook I saw that Osama Bin Laden had been killed. I quickly turned on the TV to CNN so I could confirm it.

And there it was...The world's most wanted man had been killed by US forces.

Time to celebrate.

I grabbed a beer from my fridge just as my neighbor knocked on my door with a alcoholic beverage of her own. She too was shocked and amazed that bin Laden had been killed. We knocked on my other neighbors door- after she heard the news, she quickly grab a margarita from her fridge. We then toasted that he  was dead.

I went back to my room to continue watching CNN and the reactions on facebook. Many status's where of jubilation but then it started- the posts from people saying they refused to rejoice over a man's death.

It was the prefect definition of the word: Kill joy.  

Then the 2x4 of God smacked me on the head. It was Divine Mercy Sunday. I was at Mass not three hours ago agreeing with the Priest that we all need to have mercy on each other- and ourselves- when we wrong one another. Since then I've been in a constant state of confusion...but also openness to hard questions: 

How do I look at him and not feel hatred?

How should I feel towards him?

How should I feel towards my fellow Americans that post disrespectful things?

Should I forgive him?

I'm not going to tell anyone how they should react to all of this because I don't know how to react. All I can do is to pray through this process and hope to come up with some understanding.

I don't want to know it all right away. I want to patiently be in this moment. To learn as much as possible. (hope you do this same)

To start, here's what the Vatican had to say about bin Laden's death:

Osama bin Laden, as we all know, bore the most serious responsibility for spreading divisions and hatred among populations, causing the deaths of innumerable people, and manipulating religions for this purpose.
In the face of a man’s death, a Christian never rejoices, but reflects on the serious responsibilities of each person before God and before men, and hopes and works so that every event may be the occasion  for the further growth of peace and not of hatred.

And I'll be working that research paper that's due next Monday...

--AC