A final good-bye to the Awkward Catholic

After little thought and very little actual discernment I have decided to shut this blog down and move to a new blog in hopes I feel more compelled to blog more. No longer do I feel like an 'Awkward Catholic'. It's time fore a more grown up blog with grown-up thoughts (no worries- the snark will never go away).  I will keep this blog up for good laughs.

Here's the new blog- Please do visit!

http://monroetomonroe.blogspot.com/ 

Nunnabe Dairies: At war with myself

Oh, it's World War Three in my head. The first causality was my sanity but I think we all knew that was hanging by a thread.
Decision making is easy, it's the aftermath that's tricky. That's when you have to live in to that decision. You also have time to think about that decision. That's when wars start.
I've always thought that I make the best decisions when I'm caught off guard- but I'm doubting that. Yes, I made a decision off guard and not having a lot of coffee. It was a decision that most think long and hard over. However, I feel good about the decision- almost lighter. I find myself being more focused and organized than ever. It wasn't as if I was never going to make that decision- this was just much sooner than I expected. Actually, it was sooner than anyone expected.
Maybe some of the best decisions we make are the ones we don't expect to make. We just jump in feet first.
Or maybe there is a reason some think long and hard about the decision I made. Yep, my head is spinning.
Yes, it wouldn't be discernment if I didn't doubt everything but my last name.
With any vocation crisis I will take two Aspirin and call the vocation director in the morning.

Nunnabe Diaries: Following

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I was nervous. I couldn't eat, couldn't stop shaking. "What if they don't like me?" "This is such a huge risk." "I could fail a class if I go." "Could I really afford that train ticket?"
Those were the thoughts that swam in my head day in and day out. The only reason I slept was because I was too exhausted to stay awake.

The butterflies were doing major damage to my stomach.

I tried to plan out what I do in every situation. I needed to be prefect. I so wanted them to like me.
I had a small hunch that I would like them...

A week from my first Come and See with "my nuns" I went for a walk. I actually went for a lot walks then because I was useless everywhere else.
I drove to a near-by park and started walking and doing more planning.

Suddenly I heard a voice that sounded like it was outside of me but also in my head*.
It said, "follow me."
I said, "Okay."

Nerves went away and in rushed a peace that has rarely ever left.

The scene of the peace.

I like to think that that was God talking. I'm almost positive it was. What I like about this moment was that God was so gentle. He could have sent a lightening bolt down or wrote "Follow me" in the sky. 

But he didn't. It was the still small voice that I heard. 

In order to hear that voice I must calm myself down. Luckily, Jesus is very good at calming me down. 

Well, him and a glass of wine. 

This moment changed my discernment and possibly my sanity in a big way. I went on that Come and See with a clear head and working stomach. I believe that since these nuns STILL invite me back to their Motherhouse three years later says that it was successful. 

My prayer is for all those who read this blog may listen to that still small voice- it might be small but the adventure is huge.

Nunnabe Diaries: The Wedding

J.M.J.A.T.K.G


Last weekend I attended my friends wedding. She was a good friend of mine in college- in fact she was like a mother to me. She was my biggest supporter when I first started discerning and led me to google anunslife.org - which then lead me to finding my nuns. This is the first wedding in which the bride and the groom are younger than I am- but not by much.
So back to the wedding...
All though-out the ceremony I kept thinking that they were too young- that this isn't real- we're all just playing house right now.
I thought why am I in this big girl dress and when was nap time? Was it just four years ago that Amber and I planned her wedding until 2 in the morning? (You wouldn't think that I would have enjoyed that - you're quite wrong - I want to be the first nun wedding planner. I love weddings.) 
And then there was the sacrament itself- it's just too damn pretty... and a nunnabe killer. 
Again, marriage is a beautiful sacrament and the bride was radiating joy that we all felt. So you couldn't blame me if I wanted to be in her shoes. 
However, that wasn't necessarily the case. Amber and Nick were living out who they truly were... And that made me appreciate my own me-ness. I looked around at my group of college friends and could see all of our puzzle pieces slowly starting to fit together. We were getting engaged, finding "big people" jobs and moving towards our own me-ness. 
Also because two people found their vocation we gathered together to celebrate and be with one another. And celebrate we did- It was a Catholic wedding after all...
After I got back home the same group of friends decided to hang out once again. While playing cards I kept thinking that because Amber and Nick got married we were having another great night together.
This doesn't happen with just weddings- it also happens when Religious take vows or have jubilees. People gather together to celebrate and be with one another. 
It's one of those moments when it's obvious the vocation becomes bigger than the one or two taking vows. And that my friends is one of the reasons why vocations are awesome. 

Nunnabe Diaries: A post from long ago...

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

My life is crazy right now. So instead of neglecting this blog I thought I would share a journal entry I wrote a few years ago...

December 19, 2008

3am

I have to do this...God won't leave me alone. Also, I want to be challenged in my faith and life. I don't think I want to settle down and wonder if...
I want to do something with my life and I need support. I can't do this along..
I have to tell my parents, I have to let my high school friends know. I want to be happy... I love serving. I love God!
This is not going to be easy. But I'm proud of myself for at least trying. I'm so afraid of failure. "What if they (the nuns) accept me? What if I blow my chance at becoming a nun...
Hmm... Sr.Audra...I can deal with that!
Maybe I can sleep at a decent hour now..LOL..nah! I am really happy, relieved that I made a decision...I have to try!
I have potential..I hope they see. I can do great things!

I have to try. Let Go...Let God.

Nunnabe Dairies: A tiny step forward on Mount Everest

J.M.J.A.T.K.G 

About a month ago, I was with my nuns at their Motherhouse or Mothership as we like to call it. I have visited the motherhouse five times before; each time meeting and sometimes remeeting the nuns. Often times I was lead around by either the vocation director or another nun since the motherhouse was so big. Since I was fairly new I would be introduced to every nun that came our way. This meant that I would meet up to fifty nuns during a visit. It was very overwhelming to say the least. (I’m an introvert by nature.)

However this time was different.

When we arrived, the two nuns I rode with had to go to a meeting so that left me to walk to lunch by myself. I’ll never forget how freeing it felt to walk to point A to point B by myself and actually know where I was going. On the way there I came across three nuns who actually knew who I was. (I couldn’t remember their names- they didn’t seem to care)

This happened again and again over the next five days. The anxiety of being in a new place was slowly dissipating. To my surprise, the motherhouse was starting to feel like home. 

I thought I wouldn't miss being lead around the motherhouse or meeting so many nuns, but I did. I was saying good-bye to one phase of discernment that I will never have back - at least with this community. Meeting all of those nuns was overwhelming and exhausting but I can now step back and appreciate it. It obliviously had to be done. Or course, there are many sisters who live far away that I haven't met yet. However, they'll probably know me by seeing my face in several of the order's newsletters and such.

Even though this is only a few small steps on the Mount Everest that is discernment; it's still taking me to new heights. (Very sorry for the cliche but it stays)

Will every step I take be just as bittersweet or more so?

In any case, this whole discernment thing is full of twists and turns that I never expected. I keep thinking that this is so much bigger than I am - it's completely in God's hands. 

This whole discernment thing just got a whole lot more real... and awkward.  

 

Nunabe Diaries: Just. Keep. Running

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Very recently, I have taken up running as a hobby. It's been a lot of hard work and a bit painful but I must say I truly enjoy it.
One day, I ran two miles for the first time in five years. I admit that there were times I truly thought I couldn't go on- I think it was around lap 7 I thought this. But for some reason I just kept running. I never stopped- no matter how many times I thought about it. I just kept running.
Later that night I called my parents to check up and to remind them I'm going to visit "my nuns" later that week. What I thought would be a 5 minute conversation ended up with me crying.

And I never cry.

 It wasn't tears of sadness so much as of relief. No, neither of my parents are happy about my choice but they won't disown me. Ever. Yes, that was my fear that led to my eternal relief.
After the conversation I was both physically and emotionally exhausted. I have never felt that tired in my life. I thought there's no way I could find the energy to go on this visit but I just kept packing. I thought back to earlier that day when I wouldn't stop running and how proud (and exhausted) I was after I finished mile two. I knew that if I continued discerning I would test my parents promise. I would have to open a place in my heart that  haven't shared with them. Thinking about all this made me even more exhausted but I just kept packing.

This discernment thing just reached a whole new level of realness.

In retrospect, I know that if I didn't run so much I would not have been able to chase my dog when she got loose the other night. (My parents really would have disowned me if I lost her)
As for the nun visit...I discovered I am a better me when I am with them. My soul catches their spirit and runs with it. (Pun intended) I have become more aware of my surroundings and the needs of others (I just don't know what to do with those needs yet). They are truly the best thing that I has ever happened to me.
Some of the greatest decisions of my life have left me wondering why I started on that path in the first place. I thought I was insane starting out but after some perspective I found that I had made the right choice.
Even though things have gotten so much more real I can't help but be amazed at how this discernment journey makes itself new again. There's no fear of this ever getting boring.

However, I still think I need a nap.

What happens before speaking with the Vocation Director

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

2:45pm receives a text message from vocation director thanking me for sending an email loaded with questions. Also asks when we can chat about said questions.
2:47pm sends text message back saying I'm free after 1pm everyday. (Thinking she'll suggest a time a couple of days from now.)
2:50pm Vocation Director texts back saying that's great and asks if 3:15 today will work.

The room becomes a 1000 degrees. My stomach fills with butterflies with razor blades.

2:51pm I say "sounds great."
2:52pm I frantically search email trying to remember what I even asked. I discovered I didn't ask any questions per say- just saying I wanted to discuss some things.

The butterflies in my stomach switch to guns.

2:55pm I realize that I've known this vocation director for three years so there is nothing to be afraid of.
2:58pm I fight the urge to grab a beer.
3:00pm to 3:10pm I clean an already clean house.
3:11pm I start to wonder if I am suppose to call her or she calls me...she didn't say.

What if I call her and she's not ready? What if I call the wrong number? Does she want me to call her cell phone or office phone?
Ok...I'll just wait until she calls me.
But wait...what if she's waiting for me to call? If I don't call she'll probably think I forgot or that I don't take the intative.
3:15pm comes and goes...
The butterflies switch to flame throwers. I may never eat again.
3:19pm She calls me from a number I don't recognize. All the nerves go away I remember all of my questions and we easily talk for an hour...like always.

4:25pm I grab a bud light.

I don't want this to discourage anyone from talking with a vocation director. In retrospect, it's more a terrified joy that I feel. I'm excited when I know that I'll be talking with the vocation director but I'm also a little scared. I'm scared that I'll say something wrong or won't get my point across.
But in the end, I know that I'm in good hands when speaking with this vocation director. I can trust that she has mine and the communities best interests at heart. She won't make me do something that she feels I'm not ready for. However, she'll also challenge me to my full potential.

So in other words, she's kinda like Allstate Insurance.

Awkward Catholic Moment #7: Calling a Nun by her first name

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I remember the exact moment it happened. I was helping my good nun friend put together a small storage unit we had just purchased at Ikea. We were having a good time, laughing and talking- when everything changed. She had asked for a screw driver but I had given her the wrong one. Instinctively I said "sorry sister" and handed her the right one. She rolled her eyes and said "you know, you don't have to call me sister".
I was speechless.
To make matters worse, the other sister came into the room and agreed with her. I took a deep breath and said "ok, Julie". And that's when my Irish Great-Great Grandmother hit me over the head with a 2x4- metaphorically speaking.
I have been around nuns and priests my entire life and this was the first I have ever called a nun by her first name. It was something I never thought about doing. Somewhere in Catholic grade school when I was young it must have been hammered into my skull that you shouldn't call a nun, priest or brother by their first name only. It was rude and sinful.
It's been almost a year and a half since that fateful day and I still have trouble not putting sister in front of their names. (Though pictured my great great grandma with a 2x4 over my head probably doesn't help) These are the only two nuns that have given me permission. I know the other nuns in their congregation wouldn't mind- it's why I love them- but I have a strict rule not to do so until I have their permission.
Of course, like everything concerning religious life I have thought long and hard about this. I have asked myself why it's so hard for me to forgo sister when talking with them. I tried to put myself in their shoes- would I mind if someone didn't call me sister?
Honestly I don't think I would mind. A friend once said she would feel weird if she ever called me sister. I told she didn't have to- the reason I was becoming a nun was to help people- not because of the title.
This gets me thinking- for her to call me sister would create a tiny barrier between us. I don't want that. The reason I want to be a nun is so I can live for and with the oppressed. In order to do that all barriers must go. My main goal is to serve people and bring them to God- if I get the job done without them knowing I'm a nun- then either way I got the job done.* The reason I was able to get the job done was because I would have been trained- in the novitiate-or nun school- on how to bring people closer to God.
The reason I joined the novitiate will be because God called me. And how I know God is calling me to join the novitiate is because it would bring me peace and joy that will continue for as long as I'm doing God's will. And because of that peace and joy I'll be able to bring people closer to God.**
(In the novitiate I would also learn how to have a good solid prayer life which would help me bring people closer to God)***

Well, this post went a little deeper than expected.****

*Most likely people will know I'm a nun given the possible ministry I would work for. It would be rare circumstance that they won't know. In some cases it would help people to know I was a nun. I'm just saying I'm willing to identify myself as whatever they need me to be-as long as it's authentically me present-to help them.
**I over-simplified the meaning of the novitiate and "nun training" in general. I also over-simplified how God calls us and what it feels like-but I think you get the general idea. And I over-simplified the goal of nuns- getting people closer to God-though this is a HUGE goal. There are other much smaller goals. Getting people closer to God is every ones goal.
***I hope you read these footnotes, otherwise you might think I have no clue about nuns or about how God calls us. I really do know what I'm talking about.
****I love footnote.

The Circle of Life

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

This past weekend was one of the busiest I've had in a long time but it's also one of my favorite weekends.
On Friday night I was scheduled to do two hours of Adoration for a Koinonia retreat held at my alma mater. I've been apart of this retreat in a big way for most of my college life. In fact, the only time I wasn't on the leadership team was when I was a candidate my freshman year. So handing over the reins was no easy task. What made it even harder was that this was the smallest team we've ever had and the largest candidate pool. I volunteered myself to one of the directors many times but she said she didn't want to take me away from my other engagement for the weekend. So I settled for a two hour adoration slot. (A HUGE part of this retreat is that we have perpetual adoration)
I felt restless for the first few minutes of adoration as I saw my director friend rushing around all stressed out. I soon turned my focus to Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament. A rush of peace came over me and I didn't want to leave. I realized that the torch had been passed and that my only job now was to pray. How lucky was I?!
I also realized that a huge part of discernment was to pray- again I'm a lucky girl!
After an hour of prayer the chapel got busier as we had to pray "in" the team members giving talks and pray "out" the ones that were finished with their talks.
When my two hour slot came to a close I said good-bye to everyone and drove 40 minutes back to my parents house. When I got there I quickly ate dinner and went to bed because I had to be up at 4am for next favorite event...Deer Hunt for the Disabled.
I've Been volunteering for DHD for seven years and always come back grateful that I have two legs to walk on. This hunt is for disabled hunters that aren't physically able to hunt without a lot of assistance. Plus, it helps control the deer population. I have to be at the "base camp' in the middle of nowhere Missouri at 5am so I can meet up with my team, load up all of our hunters and get them out before sunrise. (It always amazes me that all of us can get out all 35 hunters- many who can't walk- out in their deer stands in less than an hour.)
Everyone is split up in teams of five or six adults and a couple of kids- with each team we usually have four or five hunters that we assist. I've always been with the same team so it's always like a family reunion each year. After we get all of our hunters out we sit and wait...and wait...and wait. While waiting we sit and catch up on hunting stories and everything that has happened during the year.
This year it wasn't until almost sunset that we got the call that a hunter killed two deer. Usually a tracking team will find the deer for us but they were busy- it was up to us to find both deer at night and get the hunter out of his stand. I love to track deer- my team calls me "high tracker" because one year I found four deer without the tracking team. But this year we had three young boys with us tracking so being the only female my motherly instincts kicked in.

Instead of tracking the deer I was tracking the boys tracking the deer.

I saw it as a prefect opportunity to teach them how it was done. As we got out in the field and followed the trail the boys got more and more anxious. We finally found the deer and the boys got so excited! It was bitter sweet because to think that I couldn't say I found the deer by myself but it was great to pass along the skill. It's the one reason we have young kids follow us around- so we can pass passion of DHD to future generations.
So. In less than 24 hours I passed on two torches that were a huge part of my life. One taught me how to lead and one taught me to have appreciation for nature and two working legs.

However, another chapter in my life is just starting to write itself. It's exciting and scary yet it's like I knew this would happen all along. Stay tuned.

Meeting new nuns is just as awkward as a junior high dance.

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

A couple of weeks ago I attended a solemn profession of one of the Friars at my Alma Mater.
For over a year prior to that,  he would mention to me that there would be nuns at the profession- according to him it would be nun fest 2011.

This got me excited.

On the day of the profession I entered the chapel and ramped up my nunar but I detected nothing but Friars. My friend and I sat down and I continued to look. I figured there wouldn't be any habited sisters- that would be too easy.
The Mass started and it was a beautiful ceremony. I don't know who cried more Br. Jesus or his parents.
After the ceremony my friend and I went to the Friary for the reception. She had a party to go to soon so I would on my own- I wouldn't have much time to socialize with the Friars or find the nuns.
My introvertness/ awkwardness immediately came out so couldn't bring myself to talk with any of the Friars. Not wanting to give up just yet I decided to follow my friends and get some of the fine mexician food offered. I knew I would warm up if I stayed around people I knew first then venture out.
After catching up with the other college students/ alumni about every obnoxious detail of their life, my friend said she couldn't stay any longer. Sensing defeat I said I would walk with her to her dorm. As we were leaving we stopped to say good-bye to one of our favorite friars.
I told him that I was dissappointed that nunfest 2011 didn't happen. He said "Of course they're here...one of them did the reading!" I said there's no way! Neither reader set off my nunar!
He then wisked me across the reception area and introduced me to Sr.Chris, a 30 year old temporary professed sister.
I made a mental note that I would have to work on my young nunar. But to my defense here was the set-up:

This could easily be confused with the set-up of my senior prom:

Unlike my prom date she was extremely nice and every bit of a nun. She kept asking everyone if they had enough to eat and drink- then shoved cookies at them regardless of their answer. She took great care of the older nun who came with her who hardly knew a soul there.
My friend looked at me and said "well I guess you're in your element now. I'm leaving." And she was right-these were my people.
We exchanged vocation stories and reasons why we love religious life. It was a conversation that I never get tired of having. Later that night I caught up with the older nun and with my favorite friar they exchanged stories of their younger days as Religious. The stories ranged from the touching to the hilarious.
But there was also some awkwardness...both nuns were from an order that I was unfamilar with. Totally new terrritory to interact with "New nuns". I'm used to hanging out with only my nuns. I know everything about my nuns-I'm confortable with my nuns- hince why I call them MY nuns. I noticed right away that once I started talking about my nuns I couldn't stop. Luckily I caught myself and was able to revert questions back to them.
All-in-all it was a great night full of laughter dancing and story-telling. And even though there were only two nuns there- to me it was still nunfest 2011.

Nunabe Diaries: Coming out of the perverbial nun closet and asking "Now what"?

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Yesterday (Sunday) I told my mom I wanted to be a nun. It was a conversation I wanted to have for three years. Even though I didn't know we would have that conversation at that moment, I kept calm (something I was afraid I wouldn't do). I knew she would drag me through the mud, say hurtful things and I was right. She did say some hurtful things. But I was prepared for that moment.

What I wasn't prepared for was the aftermath.

Neither of my parents are going to disown me. But they completely disapprove of my vocation. Even though it was a difficult conversation I felt relief that I didn't have to hide my vocation. (Gone are the days I hide vocation magazines under my bed- actually that was gone when I completely moved out of the house this May)

I can't help but remember of all of those nights I laid awake at night planning on what I was going to say. And I can now say that this is probably the one time planning during discerning is a good thing.

But one thing I didn't plan was again, the aftermath. I'm not prepared to answer the basic "nun" questions that I've been asked for years. It feel so much more real telling my parents about my beloved community of choice. It's plain scary.

Though sometimes we need a shot of whiskey to wake us up. Or a knock on the head, whichever metaphor you like...

While I'm still very much hurt by what was said (I'm sure they are hurt too) I realized that my vocation is very much "Tonka tough". After the conversation I was questioning whether all this hurt was worth the pain and then I let that question sit for a bit (something I learned while discerning). Then sure enough, the fire came back. The nun thing was still a good idea.