God is a Jerk

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I couldn't pray. It was like a wall was built between God and I. Although I'm sure I built that wall I was just too weak to break it down. So I asked others to pray for my mom while she was in the hospital.
However, on a Saturday night the walls came tumbling down.
I had kept my sanity and anger in check up until that fateful night when I shared the waiting room with an older lady. Earlier that night I offered everyone a plate of cookies my cousins made- everyone turned me down...except the old lady who took the entire plate for herself. An hour later she would return the plate with half the cookies gone, then she would take the plate again and eat the rest.
It wasn't a big deal. I offered them to everyone and she was free to take them...I guess...
Unfortunately she wasn't finished with me yet. There was a Mizzou home football game on which was right across the street from the hospital. It was a very good game so I wanted to watch it.

She changed the channel.

Luckily I could get the game updates on my phone but I was starting to lose it.

After a few minutes of quiet she walked across the waiting room towards the ICU. I thought she was going back to see her loved one. She then made a turn towards me and picked up my Runner's World magazine sitting besides me.
"Are you reading this?" She asked.
"No, but that's mine." I said.
"Are you reading this?"
"No, but..."

She took my magazine.

I lost it.

"God, you're such a jerk!!" I said to God in my head. (Okay, I used a much stronger word but you get my point.)
I stormed out of the room half crying while cursing God...you know, for being a jerk.
I finally found the chapel and I really let God have it.
This whole situation was unfair. I wanted my mom is get better but she wasn't. I wanted to be out of this damn hospital. I wanted to have a quiet night watching a football game but I couldn't even have that.
After I was worn out from kicking and screaming I realized the wall I built was down. (No actual walls were harmed) God never left my side. He even let me call him every name in the book. That night I let God in to see the pain and stress that the week has caused.

The next morning at 6:30am I was told my mom had a massive stroke and wouldn't survive.

The pain was unreal. It was as if someone punched me in the stomach while lighting my heart on fire. I literally couldn't stand up straight but amazingly I could stand...and talk. Barely.
God was literally holding me up and making me talk.

Over the past four months I have yelled at God many, many times. And God has patiently listened all the while holding up so I could yell at him more.
I've tried to push God away, to build that wall back up but have found the only comfort I find is in being with God.

The Waiting Room Universe

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Every Wednesday I will post reflections about the worse and most transformative time of my life. These reflections are about my mothers death and the aftermath of going through that huge shock.
These aren't meant to depress you or for you to feel sorry for me- just some thoughts I happen to write down.
(I wrote most of this while riding back from the hospital one night so it's pretty raw.)


Did you see that?!
Amazing!! (high fives all around)

Did you seriously see her eye flutter??

It's the little things in life that matter now.

Watching a loved ones eyes flutter for the first time after surgery can be as exhilarating as your favorite team winning the super bowl.
And watching their vital signs on the monitor can be just as suspenseful as watching an action movie. Probably more so.
Your world revolves around them and that world is in the solar system known as Waiting Room Universe.
It's like a psychological experiment- for some their trip in this solar system will end in a day for others it will go on for weeks maybe months.
People from every socioeconomic class, religion, political party are in one room and experiencing the most stressful situation of their lives.
They're rooting for each other.
Ironically out of that stress bring forth compassion for their fellow waiting roommates.
In this solar system there are no political party lines dividing these groups of strangers. They're in this room together just trying to get enough sleep so they be ready for whatever the doctors throw at them. Or at least try to be ready.
They'll give up the most comfortable chair to a stranger needing sleep because their loved one was in surgery through the night.
These are the type of people who when you ask how they are they tell how their loved one is doing.
They only have one focus- their ailing loved one. Their mood really is dictated by how their loved one is doing.
In the end we never got to fill out any discharge papers but I will always remember the week when time stood still and my sanity rested on how well mom was doing.