God is a Jerk

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I couldn't pray. It was like a wall was built between God and I. Although I'm sure I built that wall I was just too weak to break it down. So I asked others to pray for my mom while she was in the hospital.
However, on a Saturday night the walls came tumbling down.
I had kept my sanity and anger in check up until that fateful night when I shared the waiting room with an older lady. Earlier that night I offered everyone a plate of cookies my cousins made- everyone turned me down...except the old lady who took the entire plate for herself. An hour later she would return the plate with half the cookies gone, then she would take the plate again and eat the rest.
It wasn't a big deal. I offered them to everyone and she was free to take them...I guess...
Unfortunately she wasn't finished with me yet. There was a Mizzou home football game on which was right across the street from the hospital. It was a very good game so I wanted to watch it.

She changed the channel.

Luckily I could get the game updates on my phone but I was starting to lose it.

After a few minutes of quiet she walked across the waiting room towards the ICU. I thought she was going back to see her loved one. She then made a turn towards me and picked up my Runner's World magazine sitting besides me.
"Are you reading this?" She asked.
"No, but that's mine." I said.
"Are you reading this?"
"No, but..."

She took my magazine.

I lost it.

"God, you're such a jerk!!" I said to God in my head. (Okay, I used a much stronger word but you get my point.)
I stormed out of the room half crying while cursing God...you know, for being a jerk.
I finally found the chapel and I really let God have it.
This whole situation was unfair. I wanted my mom is get better but she wasn't. I wanted to be out of this damn hospital. I wanted to have a quiet night watching a football game but I couldn't even have that.
After I was worn out from kicking and screaming I realized the wall I built was down. (No actual walls were harmed) God never left my side. He even let me call him every name in the book. That night I let God in to see the pain and stress that the week has caused.

The next morning at 6:30am I was told my mom had a massive stroke and wouldn't survive.

The pain was unreal. It was as if someone punched me in the stomach while lighting my heart on fire. I literally couldn't stand up straight but amazingly I could stand...and talk. Barely.
God was literally holding me up and making me talk.

Over the past four months I have yelled at God many, many times. And God has patiently listened all the while holding up so I could yell at him more.
I've tried to push God away, to build that wall back up but have found the only comfort I find is in being with God.

The Waiting Room Universe

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Every Wednesday I will post reflections about the worse and most transformative time of my life. These reflections are about my mothers death and the aftermath of going through that huge shock.
These aren't meant to depress you or for you to feel sorry for me- just some thoughts I happen to write down.
(I wrote most of this while riding back from the hospital one night so it's pretty raw.)


Did you see that?!
Amazing!! (high fives all around)

Did you seriously see her eye flutter??

It's the little things in life that matter now.

Watching a loved ones eyes flutter for the first time after surgery can be as exhilarating as your favorite team winning the super bowl.
And watching their vital signs on the monitor can be just as suspenseful as watching an action movie. Probably more so.
Your world revolves around them and that world is in the solar system known as Waiting Room Universe.
It's like a psychological experiment- for some their trip in this solar system will end in a day for others it will go on for weeks maybe months.
People from every socioeconomic class, religion, political party are in one room and experiencing the most stressful situation of their lives.
They're rooting for each other.
Ironically out of that stress bring forth compassion for their fellow waiting roommates.
In this solar system there are no political party lines dividing these groups of strangers. They're in this room together just trying to get enough sleep so they be ready for whatever the doctors throw at them. Or at least try to be ready.
They'll give up the most comfortable chair to a stranger needing sleep because their loved one was in surgery through the night.
These are the type of people who when you ask how they are they tell how their loved one is doing.
They only have one focus- their ailing loved one. Their mood really is dictated by how their loved one is doing.
In the end we never got to fill out any discharge papers but I will always remember the week when time stood still and my sanity rested on how well mom was doing.

A Special All Souls Day

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I sometimes find being catholic hard, if not impossible. We're not the most respected folks out there and the church's teaching drive me nuts at times.
However, instead of running for door I stay. Yes I not only stay, I thank God for calling me to be Catholic.
Today, I am thankful for the awesomeness of the communion of Saints like never before. I'm extra thankful this year because I have a special "Saint" in heaven watching over me- my mom.
She went home to God a month and a half ago and has not stopped sending me signs that she's watching over me.
It's been very difficult without her- at times nearly impossible- but thanks to the Communion of Saints I know she's watching over my family and I.
I realize my mom is not an official "saint" but I think we can all agree that moms have a special place in God's kin-dom.
So this All Souls' Day I remember the happier times I had with mom and thank God for giving us a gift of the Communion of Saints.

Awkward Catholic is on haitus

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

So it's been awhile since my last post. The good news is, is that I want to write about it, the bad news is, is that I don't have time to write about it.
However, posts are being written (sloooowly) and rewritten (even more slowly) and will be posted as soon as they are done.
Know that each one of you are in my prayers.

Mother Mary For The Win

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I didn't go to Mass today. Yes, I know- it was a holy day of obligation. To be fair I thought Mass near work started at 6, when I got off, it was at 5. Fail.
However, that's not what this post is exactly about...

A month ago I was told my grandma didn't have long to live. I was beyond devastated, especially since I had planned to move ten hours away to be closer to my nuns later that week. I also had my dream job waiting in the broadcasting field. I had to give that up. Even though it was extremely hard to tell my nuns and that job "not yet" something told me I wouldn't regret staying home.
Since making that decision I have regretted staying home. I told God time and time again that I am not a caretaker, I am a broadcaster and social media guru. People told me how noble and great I was to stay and take care of my grandma. Truth was, I couldn't even think about going out to my grandma's house. The thought of seeing her health deteriorate before my eyes was too much.
The guilt was unbearable. I didn't eat for days. After walking out of Mass one night I realized that I couldn't run if I continued not eating. That night I cleaned my plate and I continue to do so- for the most part. Yes, running saved my life.
However, even running couldn't fix the fact that I was failing as a granddaughter. This woman helped raise me when my parents worked long hours, taught me how to read and how to garden. My family was counting on me to help her with chores around the house and keep her from thinking about what was coming. I was losing my mind.

Tonight I was asked to take over garbage bags to grandma's house. She said she decided to clean out the house so we wouldn't have to after she died. I nearly lost it. I kept screaming in my head that I couldn't do this- that something needed to happen- I couldn't do this alone.
This time, instead of making up an excuse to leave, I stayed and talked. She switched gears and suddenly was making jokes that I was used to hearing.
And then God hit me so hard I can only hope it did permanent damage.

I saw the huge blessing that God was giving me- I couldn't image leaving home. THIS is where I belong right NOW.
As I was pulling out of her drive I remembered that this was the Feast day of the Assumption of Mary. So Mary, yet again, came through for me in a HUGE way.

Thank you, Mother Mary!!!

Overthinkers Club

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Today, we have our first guest blogger on Awkward Catholic. Yay! Please welcome Julia with open arms as she tells us about a club most discerners would feel right at home in. I think...

“We should do as few stupid things as possible, but to wait for a time when we would do none would be the stupidest thing of all.” ~ Saint Madeleine Sophie Barat, RSCJ

“Hi, my name is Julia, and I’m an overthinker.”

“Hi, Julia.”

Welcome, reader, to your first meeting of the Overthinkers Club.  We are so glad you could be here with us today!  We like to meet on a fairly regular basis to hash out the products of our ridiculously in-depth analysis of life, the world, and our place in both.  We welcome your questions and comments—just make sure they are appropriately probing and angst-ridden, or else you won’t really fit in.  We spend a lot of time in distress around here.

Our club has a few ground rules that you should probably know about: 1) All declarations should be the ground-breaking result of hours of self-analysis. 2) Any questions must be posed with the intent of “getting to the core” of a person’s true feelings and motivations. 3) Under no circumstances should ANY action be taken on the discoveries made here.  We can’t risk making any mistakes, now, can we?  Better to take your revelations home, think them over, and bring them back next time for more analysis.

As you look around the room, you’ll see that many of us give the distinct impression of not interacting with society on a regular basis.  Right you are, reader; most of us prefer to avoid direct contact with the world at all costs.  After all, this kind of contact might entail making decisions or—heaven forbid—acting on those decisions, and that’s a risk we just can’t take.  It’s much easier to stay holed up inside our homes and ourselves, thinking about possible hypothetical situations but never actually doing anything about them.  That way, we run almost no risk of failure!  Take a look around, reader.  This pale, sickly group of people you see before you, with no real life experiences, plenty of anxiety and an unwillingness to engage with the world—this is what success looks like.

I see that you’re considering this way of life, and I must say, I’m all for it.  Don’t worry if you’re still making decisions; it’s a hard habit to break when you first start overthinking.  If you wake up without worrying that you’re going to mess something up today, just start agonizing over your situation as soon as possible.  You’ll be much better off that way.

We hope to see you back at one of our meetings again soon!  But you don’t have to decide to come back right away—feel free to analyze your decision for a while first.

Nunnabe Diaries: Following

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I was nervous. I couldn't eat, couldn't stop shaking. "What if they don't like me?" "This is such a huge risk." "I could fail a class if I go." "Could I really afford that train ticket?"
Those were the thoughts that swam in my head day in and day out. The only reason I slept was because I was too exhausted to stay awake.

The butterflies were doing major damage to my stomach.

I tried to plan out what I do in every situation. I needed to be prefect. I so wanted them to like me.
I had a small hunch that I would like them...

A week from my first Come and See with "my nuns" I went for a walk. I actually went for a lot walks then because I was useless everywhere else.
I drove to a near-by park and started walking and doing more planning.

Suddenly I heard a voice that sounded like it was outside of me but also in my head*.
It said, "follow me."
I said, "Okay."

Nerves went away and in rushed a peace that has rarely ever left.

The scene of the peace.

I like to think that that was God talking. I'm almost positive it was. What I like about this moment was that God was so gentle. He could have sent a lightening bolt down or wrote "Follow me" in the sky. 

But he didn't. It was the still small voice that I heard. 

In order to hear that voice I must calm myself down. Luckily, Jesus is very good at calming me down. 

Well, him and a glass of wine. 

This moment changed my discernment and possibly my sanity in a big way. I went on that Come and See with a clear head and working stomach. I believe that since these nuns STILL invite me back to their Motherhouse three years later says that it was successful. 

My prayer is for all those who read this blog may listen to that still small voice- it might be small but the adventure is huge.