A Special All Souls Day

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I sometimes find being catholic hard, if not impossible. We're not the most respected folks out there and the church's teaching drive me nuts at times.
However, instead of running for door I stay. Yes I not only stay, I thank God for calling me to be Catholic.
Today, I am thankful for the awesomeness of the communion of Saints like never before. I'm extra thankful this year because I have a special "Saint" in heaven watching over me- my mom.
She went home to God a month and a half ago and has not stopped sending me signs that she's watching over me.
It's been very difficult without her- at times nearly impossible- but thanks to the Communion of Saints I know she's watching over my family and I.
I realize my mom is not an official "saint" but I think we can all agree that moms have a special place in God's kin-dom.
So this All Souls' Day I remember the happier times I had with mom and thank God for giving us a gift of the Communion of Saints.

Awkward Catholic is on haitus

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

So it's been awhile since my last post. The good news is, is that I want to write about it, the bad news is, is that I don't have time to write about it.
However, posts are being written (sloooowly) and rewritten (even more slowly) and will be posted as soon as they are done.
Know that each one of you are in my prayers.

Mother Mary For The Win

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I didn't go to Mass today. Yes, I know- it was a holy day of obligation. To be fair I thought Mass near work started at 6, when I got off, it was at 5. Fail.
However, that's not what this post is exactly about...

A month ago I was told my grandma didn't have long to live. I was beyond devastated, especially since I had planned to move ten hours away to be closer to my nuns later that week. I also had my dream job waiting in the broadcasting field. I had to give that up. Even though it was extremely hard to tell my nuns and that job "not yet" something told me I wouldn't regret staying home.
Since making that decision I have regretted staying home. I told God time and time again that I am not a caretaker, I am a broadcaster and social media guru. People told me how noble and great I was to stay and take care of my grandma. Truth was, I couldn't even think about going out to my grandma's house. The thought of seeing her health deteriorate before my eyes was too much.
The guilt was unbearable. I didn't eat for days. After walking out of Mass one night I realized that I couldn't run if I continued not eating. That night I cleaned my plate and I continue to do so- for the most part. Yes, running saved my life.
However, even running couldn't fix the fact that I was failing as a granddaughter. This woman helped raise me when my parents worked long hours, taught me how to read and how to garden. My family was counting on me to help her with chores around the house and keep her from thinking about what was coming. I was losing my mind.

Tonight I was asked to take over garbage bags to grandma's house. She said she decided to clean out the house so we wouldn't have to after she died. I nearly lost it. I kept screaming in my head that I couldn't do this- that something needed to happen- I couldn't do this alone.
This time, instead of making up an excuse to leave, I stayed and talked. She switched gears and suddenly was making jokes that I was used to hearing.
And then God hit me so hard I can only hope it did permanent damage.

I saw the huge blessing that God was giving me- I couldn't image leaving home. THIS is where I belong right NOW.
As I was pulling out of her drive I remembered that this was the Feast day of the Assumption of Mary. So Mary, yet again, came through for me in a HUGE way.

Thank you, Mother Mary!!!

Overthinkers Club

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Today, we have our first guest blogger on Awkward Catholic. Yay! Please welcome Julia with open arms as she tells us about a club most discerners would feel right at home in. I think...

“We should do as few stupid things as possible, but to wait for a time when we would do none would be the stupidest thing of all.” ~ Saint Madeleine Sophie Barat, RSCJ

“Hi, my name is Julia, and I’m an overthinker.”

“Hi, Julia.”

Welcome, reader, to your first meeting of the Overthinkers Club.  We are so glad you could be here with us today!  We like to meet on a fairly regular basis to hash out the products of our ridiculously in-depth analysis of life, the world, and our place in both.  We welcome your questions and comments—just make sure they are appropriately probing and angst-ridden, or else you won’t really fit in.  We spend a lot of time in distress around here.

Our club has a few ground rules that you should probably know about: 1) All declarations should be the ground-breaking result of hours of self-analysis. 2) Any questions must be posed with the intent of “getting to the core” of a person’s true feelings and motivations. 3) Under no circumstances should ANY action be taken on the discoveries made here.  We can’t risk making any mistakes, now, can we?  Better to take your revelations home, think them over, and bring them back next time for more analysis.

As you look around the room, you’ll see that many of us give the distinct impression of not interacting with society on a regular basis.  Right you are, reader; most of us prefer to avoid direct contact with the world at all costs.  After all, this kind of contact might entail making decisions or—heaven forbid—acting on those decisions, and that’s a risk we just can’t take.  It’s much easier to stay holed up inside our homes and ourselves, thinking about possible hypothetical situations but never actually doing anything about them.  That way, we run almost no risk of failure!  Take a look around, reader.  This pale, sickly group of people you see before you, with no real life experiences, plenty of anxiety and an unwillingness to engage with the world—this is what success looks like.

I see that you’re considering this way of life, and I must say, I’m all for it.  Don’t worry if you’re still making decisions; it’s a hard habit to break when you first start overthinking.  If you wake up without worrying that you’re going to mess something up today, just start agonizing over your situation as soon as possible.  You’ll be much better off that way.

We hope to see you back at one of our meetings again soon!  But you don’t have to decide to come back right away—feel free to analyze your decision for a while first.

Nunnabe Diaries: Following

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I was nervous. I couldn't eat, couldn't stop shaking. "What if they don't like me?" "This is such a huge risk." "I could fail a class if I go." "Could I really afford that train ticket?"
Those were the thoughts that swam in my head day in and day out. The only reason I slept was because I was too exhausted to stay awake.

The butterflies were doing major damage to my stomach.

I tried to plan out what I do in every situation. I needed to be prefect. I so wanted them to like me.
I had a small hunch that I would like them...

A week from my first Come and See with "my nuns" I went for a walk. I actually went for a lot walks then because I was useless everywhere else.
I drove to a near-by park and started walking and doing more planning.

Suddenly I heard a voice that sounded like it was outside of me but also in my head*.
It said, "follow me."
I said, "Okay."

Nerves went away and in rushed a peace that has rarely ever left.

The scene of the peace.

I like to think that that was God talking. I'm almost positive it was. What I like about this moment was that God was so gentle. He could have sent a lightening bolt down or wrote "Follow me" in the sky. 

But he didn't. It was the still small voice that I heard. 

In order to hear that voice I must calm myself down. Luckily, Jesus is very good at calming me down. 

Well, him and a glass of wine. 

This moment changed my discernment and possibly my sanity in a big way. I went on that Come and See with a clear head and working stomach. I believe that since these nuns STILL invite me back to their Motherhouse three years later says that it was successful. 

My prayer is for all those who read this blog may listen to that still small voice- it might be small but the adventure is huge.

Nunnabe Diaries: The Wedding

J.M.J.A.T.K.G


Last weekend I attended my friends wedding. She was a good friend of mine in college- in fact she was like a mother to me. She was my biggest supporter when I first started discerning and led me to google anunslife.org - which then lead me to finding my nuns. This is the first wedding in which the bride and the groom are younger than I am- but not by much.
So back to the wedding...
All though-out the ceremony I kept thinking that they were too young- that this isn't real- we're all just playing house right now.
I thought why am I in this big girl dress and when was nap time? Was it just four years ago that Amber and I planned her wedding until 2 in the morning? (You wouldn't think that I would have enjoyed that - you're quite wrong - I want to be the first nun wedding planner. I love weddings.) 
And then there was the sacrament itself- it's just too damn pretty... and a nunnabe killer. 
Again, marriage is a beautiful sacrament and the bride was radiating joy that we all felt. So you couldn't blame me if I wanted to be in her shoes. 
However, that wasn't necessarily the case. Amber and Nick were living out who they truly were... And that made me appreciate my own me-ness. I looked around at my group of college friends and could see all of our puzzle pieces slowly starting to fit together. We were getting engaged, finding "big people" jobs and moving towards our own me-ness. 
Also because two people found their vocation we gathered together to celebrate and be with one another. And celebrate we did- It was a Catholic wedding after all...
After I got back home the same group of friends decided to hang out once again. While playing cards I kept thinking that because Amber and Nick got married we were having another great night together.
This doesn't happen with just weddings- it also happens when Religious take vows or have jubilees. People gather together to celebrate and be with one another. 
It's one of those moments when it's obvious the vocation becomes bigger than the one or two taking vows. And that my friends is one of the reasons why vocations are awesome. 

Nunnabe Diaries: The Dinner

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Mission: To dispel every nun stereotype to a group of mostly Catholic adults at dinner.


Last night a group of adults that were on a retreat with me took me out to dinner. They knew that I was thinking about Religious Life and wanted to show their support. This was the first time anyone has ever done this.
I was a bit nervous because I knew I would be the only single person there. And I was kinda the guest of honor. However, I thought this would be a great opportunity to dispel some stereotypes about "nunnabes" and nuns.

That was until someone ordered a pitcher of margaritas.

She only asked for two glasses.

Needless to say, I don't remember much about the dinner. Although, my margarita partner's husband said he was impressed that I held my liquor so well.

I'm sure that dispelled a stereotype or two...

So I didn't make a fancy speech about vocations and what it's like to be a nun. The important thing was, is that everyone had a great time and ate some really great food and drank some even better margaritas. However, there was one point I tried to make, that even though I was thinking about Religious Life, it doesn't mean that I will become a nun. At times I thought they were sending me off forever- to never see me again. I tried to convince them that I could come back to the area- just not as often.
I also tried to convince them that I haven't entered yet. That I still want to move closer to my nuns so I can make a better decision. I think I got that message through.
Even though this is "The Awkward Catholic" I really wish these things were not so awkward. This is just another moment, another experience that makes this journey an adventure.

Here's some of the awesome gifts I received:

Greatest. Sign. Ever.

Not surprisingly, this is the card that went with the sign.