A final good-bye to the Awkward Catholic

After little thought and very little actual discernment I have decided to shut this blog down and move to a new blog in hopes I feel more compelled to blog more. No longer do I feel like an 'Awkward Catholic'. It's time fore a more grown up blog with grown-up thoughts (no worries- the snark will never go away).  I will keep this blog up for good laughs.

Here's the new blog- Please do visit!

http://monroetomonroe.blogspot.com/ 

Religious life is weird

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Editors note: I'm writing this on an iPhone so apologies for typos and awkward sentence. Also, as a reflection of my new stage in religious life I changed the look and name of the blog. Enjoy!

Last Sunday, my community (I get to say that now) welcomed two new novices. One of whom was living with me and two other sisters at our community's (it really is fun saying that) welcoming house.
It was a wonderful and joyous celebration without hardly a dry eye in the congregation. It was great to walk into my community's (still fun) chapel knowing all I had to do was celebrate this momentous event. I kinda felt like Prince Harry at his brother's wedding. Just smile and wave and be thankful I'm out of the spotlight. And serve the nuns coffee. Always do that.
Although quite a few sisters after the ceremony elbowed me saying something about how that'll be me next year. It took everything in me not to dry heave.
Tonight, we had the new novice's mom and step-dad over for soccer and dinner for their last night in town. They're an incredible couple who were fascinated with our way of life.
Tonight, is also the new novice's last night at our house.
It's a strange feeling because in a normal room mate situation, once someone moves out you usually don't live with them again. Or you don't have much contact with them. Not so true in religious life. We may live together next year or we may never live together. We may live in the same city (most likely Detroit) or we may live across the country. Or in different countries.
However, if things continue the way they are, we'll be connected in ways I could not image a week and a half ago.
It was a week and a half ago that everyone in the congregation raised their right hand and read a prayer asking for God's blessing on my classmate and I's continued discernment. Something changed inside me. It's hard to discribe and will probably take most of my time as a candidate to articulate. It's a feeling of inclusivity. Or standing on solid ground that is moving at the same time. During my own ceremony in between thoughts of dry heaving and running I kept thinking that I was doing the right thing. Always a good thought to have at a welcoming ceremony. Running and dry heaving not so much.
So.
Our small community (still fun) will change in a big way. My classmate for a few months moved in tonight. She was in a community a few years ago so she's well versed in community living. At the end of August she will be received as a novice, or promoted as I like to say. And again our community (fun!) will change.

The acceptance

On my third visit to "my nuns" I helped a sister work on her computer. She instructed me on how to get on the internet. I dutifully followed her instructions and saw the familiar google page.
She stood up smiling and said "you're in."

And she kept saying it over and over.

Suddenly I realized she wasn't talking about getting on the internet.

Five years later I'm hearing the president of "my nuns" say those words to me: "you're in."

The shock hasn't quite settled. I never imaged feeling the way I feel right now. I just replay that moment when the president opened her arms to welcome me into the community.
It wasn't the most glamous of moments. I was in my favorite sweatpants and t-shirt watching Anderson Cooper.
She walked in smiling while my nun-roommates watched on. Once we hugged, they grabbed the scotch her and a beer for me.
The stupid smile never leaving my face.

The journey will be hard at times; easy at others; painful; joyful; full. I'm apart of something much bigger than myself. Something that I prayed for; cried about; lost sleep; lost friends; gained friends; moved across the country for.

I'm in....the beginning of the formation process. There will be more tears, more sleepless nights but I won't do it alone. I will talk about my feelings more I want to and will have disagreements with my sisters (it's already happened).
But a mysterious God called and I am still answering. It's lead me to here: sitting in my sweat pants with a stupid smile on my face. 

Convent livin': three months and I'm still here

The moment came one Sunday night after watching Downton Abbey. 

"Sister, stop while you're ahead."

"I'm sorry, I'm drinking the whole thing. It's too good!"

We were talking about black tea.

This is a typical scene from my life at the convent. It might seem boring but it has been anything but boring. 

My world has been turned upside down. My ass has been kicked. I have been proved that I may not know everything...or anything. Mostly anything. 

In the past three months conversations like this has transpired more times than I would like to admit:

Do you know where so and so is?

Me: no.

Have you met so and so?

Me: no.

Do you know how to do this or that?

Me: no.

I've been so frustrated by the not knowing that I could actually cry. 

Of course there is a grace to not knowing; to have had to rely on others to help me navigate everyday life. I have clung to my nuns, GPS and God like I've never done before. 

I have wrestled with more doubt about my life choice than I ever have. But as the vocation director said: it's not your until you struggle with it. 

So I guess it's firmly mine now.

Although this winter has been rough. (Rough doesn't ever cover it!) I have laughed more than I ever have, discovered who I am more deeply, and learned to talk with God more than ever.

I think that's what God wanted all along.

Convent livin'

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

The day finally came when I packed up all of my things in my car and drove to Michigan. I thought about what that day would look like...

It was be sunny, the birds would be singing and I would be fully confident in my life choice.

In reality...

Not so much..

It was 4am, dark as sin, and 9 degrees out. And I was not so confident I had made the right choice.
Instead of praying to God like this:

Oh God, thank you so much for this wonderful opportunity! I am so blessed to be your humble child. May you guide me to always do your will.

In reality...

God please let my car not start. I'm not confident my life choices. Are you sure you weren't drunk when you had this plan in mind? I'm not sure of my own sobriety right now.

As I've spent the last two days unpacking and getting to know my sister-roommates a bit more, I've slowly started to calm down. As I was unpacking I listened to a history of Religious Life in the United States and really related to the sisters who set sail to the 'new world'. They left everything they ever knew to help the people of God. I thought about how scared yet excited they must have been to set out on this new adventure. And they did it together, hand in hand.
Although everything is brand new, I have yet to feel alone. I feel my future sisters presence with me as I unpack and take the next step to become one of them.
So. These next few months are going to be very busy. However, with my sisters and enough beer, I will be just fine.
 

Awkward Updates

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Okay. Someone shared my blog on facebook and now I feel compelled to give an update.

So. Updates.

I'm in the application process with 'my nuns'. You would think that this would provide a plethora of awkward situations to write about but...

Nope.

Now, that doesn't mean I haven't had my fair share of freakouts. One night, while having a few beers with friends I convinced myself (very loudly) that I was not going to pass the psych exam.
One of friends, being a candidate with my nuns, describe many of the tests I would go through.

It still took them an hour to calm me down.

A part of the application is to answer a few reflections questions. The vocation Director said that this would be a great opportunity to learn about myself. I thought this part would be the biggest pain in the butt to finish but this is actually my favorite part. The Vocation Director was right, I'm learning a lot about myself. (Please don't tell her I said that.)

A pro-tip for any of you nun-to-be's: go to Panera, pop in the headphones and listen to Amy Grant radio on Pandora. There is no way the Holy Spirit will be absent for that.

Being in the application stage is a big step in the discernment process. But there's still a lot more discerning and praying to do. Really, we don't ever stop discerning. Ever.

Another update: I got a BIG GIRL JOB and will be MOVING INTO A CONVENT. The great thing about this convent is that I've stayed there when I came for visits. The nuns are great and easy to be around. I know I'll fit in really well.

And they're Downton Abbey fans.

As for the Big Girl Job...I will be working for and with a few of my nuns.

I will be surrounded by nuns 24/7.

That's it for the updates. I will *try* to post here a least once a month. For smaller, snarkier musing check out my tumblr page and follow me on twitter.
There's a possibility that I'm addicted to social media.
 

Nunnabe Diaries: Drinking a Beer with God

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I am/was in a rough spot. Not only was I grieving over the lost of my grandma but trying to discern where God was calling me. I had run myself into the ground. There was so many things that needed to get done but no energy to do it. I thought 'hey, I'm young! I should have enough energy to do all these things!'.  Of course, I was wrong. It wasn't so much the physical tasks but the spiritual tasks that did me in.
There are decisions that needed to be made; decisions I thought were already made. It could be my impatience on this matter but it made me doubt God's timing. So thinking and over thinking began. I knew it was driving me mad but I needed to know what my future held. I pushed through hoping I would get my answer.

I realized I was slowly killing myself in the process.

This isn't the first time I've gotten myself in this situation. Far from it. When discerning God's call we often get ourselves in these binds. Sister Sandra Schneider calls them 'analysis paralysis'. It's when we start analyzing a decision so much we become too afraid to make that decision. Or there are so many decisions to make we simply stop. We think and we think going no where.
What do we do when we get ourselves in these situations? The first step is to recognize when we reached 'analysis paralysis'. The second is to stop the cycle. The third is to make the decision. (Of course there are many smaller steps in between, but those are the main steps.) I want to focus on the second step: stopping the cycle.
What do I do to stop the cycle? I simply stop thinking. Now, before you say 'that's impossible!' let me tell you want I did tonight.

I turned off my phone, popped in Despicable Me' and drank a couple of beers.

It worked. As soon as I opened that first beer and watched the movie my chest started to loosen up. I didn't think about nuns, decisions, life, ANYTHING except for how cute the minions looked.
I didn't ask God what He wanted from me. I simply invited Him over for a movie, popcorn and beer.
(I like to think that God drinks Bud Light Lime.)
It was a nice night and will continue to be nice night.

To my fellow discerners, when stuck in 'analysis paralysis' simply stop, drop and roll. Stop the thinking, drop what you're doing and roll with God.

Now back to my movie and beer night with God.

The Airport

A few weeks ago a friend and I arrived back at the Miami airport after a week of service in Costa Rica. (More on that week later) We were tired and a little worried that we wouldn't make our flight to St. Louis which was two short hours from the time we landed.
Once the plane landed we sped off to customs, trying to pass as many people as possible. This was no easy task as they had the same idea we did. It was speed walking foot race down a long hallway to...a huge line of people. Having never been to Miami airport or their Customs department more panic started to rise.
One staff member was trying to direct hundreds of tired, impatient travels. I thought maybe Customs was just around the corner but I had no idea how long we would have to wait in the hallway. A few of the travelers were saying they had waited an hour and a half. We would never make our flight.
More panic started to rise.
After less than ten minutes they let us turn the corner...to another huge line. With Customs no where in sight, people really started to push and shove. I had raced ahead of my friend because I had the checked bag in my name with our coffee and honey. The line looked long but it moved fast but we still were not told how long before we got to Customs. While waiting in line I looked up later flights for St. Louis.
As it turns out Customs wasn't that far away and the lines moved very quickly. In fact, from the time we landed to the time we arrived at our gate only an hour and thirty minutes passed. We had thirty minutes to spare.
Once on the plane, I reflected on the past two hours. I thought about how scared we were that we would miss our flight. I thought about how spending a week of absolutely no rushing being forced to into the craziness that is the US Customs. I thought about the rush of excitement as we raced through the airport. I thought about if the staff just told us how long we had to wait we wouldn't have been so scared.
I thought about how this is the same in the spiritual life as well. I don't know about you, but God has never told me how long I have to wait for the things I want or the things He's calling me to. We often get angry when we don't have all the answers. It comes from feeling panicked, which comes from not being in control. But maybe it's a good thing we don't know what's coming We can get complacent. I know I can. Not knowing is apart of the adventure. It was exciting to race through the airport- we felt like we were on the Amazing Race.
God is calling us to be open to the adventure. He is calling us to trust in Him; to stay focused on the task at hand. Sometimes on the adventure we're called to relax one minute and jump into a crazy stressful situation the next. We never know what's going to happen, but that's just apart of the adventure. We need to know that God will take care of us.

Nunnabe Dairies: At war with myself

Oh, it's World War Three in my head. The first causality was my sanity but I think we all knew that was hanging by a thread.
Decision making is easy, it's the aftermath that's tricky. That's when you have to live in to that decision. You also have time to think about that decision. That's when wars start.
I've always thought that I make the best decisions when I'm caught off guard- but I'm doubting that. Yes, I made a decision off guard and not having a lot of coffee. It was a decision that most think long and hard over. However, I feel good about the decision- almost lighter. I find myself being more focused and organized than ever. It wasn't as if I was never going to make that decision- this was just much sooner than I expected. Actually, it was sooner than anyone expected.
Maybe some of the best decisions we make are the ones we don't expect to make. We just jump in feet first.
Or maybe there is a reason some think long and hard about the decision I made. Yep, my head is spinning.
Yes, it wouldn't be discernment if I didn't doubt everything but my last name.
With any vocation crisis I will take two Aspirin and call the vocation director in the morning.

The Nunnabe Chronicles: The Pizza Party that went horribly wrong

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

So I've taken up reporting a few stories here and there. This faux-story is based on actual events.


Sister Alice stares absent-minded out the window as she tries to recall 'that night'.
"It was supposed to be a little gathering of our discerners and a few sisters," she sighed. According to her, four young women came over to her convent to have pizza and meet a few of the nuns. Earlier that day one of the discerners asked her if it was okay she brought over her ten-month old nephew.
"'What's the harm?' I thought. Surely nothing could go wrong." Sister Alice took a framed picture of Jesus that was sitting on her desk and shoved it in her desk drawer.
"Oh was I wrong."
According to Sister Alice, there was trouble as soon as the baby and the discerner entered the room. Two of the other discerners raced toward the baby and begged to hold him first. Soon they started to argue. It then got ugly.
"One of the sisters was a negotiator for the United Nations for thirty years. Even she couldn't get those two to stop fighting. The baby had to be taken to another room to avoid being hurt!" Sister Alice exclaimed.
Suddenly, in the middle of the discerner fight the fourth discerner ran out of the room screaming 'BABIES! BABIES EVERYWHERE! GOD WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?! IS THIS A SIGN?!'
"We haven't seen or heard from her since."
Sister Alice said that eventually the two fighting discerners calmed down and apologized for fighting. They even cleaned up the broken bottles.
"Discerners believe that if you're discerning Religious Life God will lead you on a straight path to the convent- but that's not what it's about- it's about being open to the adventure. Take the baby fiasco-  sometimes God wants you to see your caretaker side. Sometimes God wants to show you what you're missing. But most of the time, a baby at an event is a baby at an event and nothing more. It's all about how you feel and you need to be calm and silent to hear that still, small voice."
After a long pause Sister Alice starts up again:
"Of course, discerners do that wrong too. They go to think about how to they feel yet they don't also pray about it. They gotta let God in! They also have to have a good spiritual advisor that will be help discerns God's call."
At that, Sister Alice pulled the picture of Jesus out of her desk and said, "May God bless the Vocation Director."

Canned Vegetables

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

In the weeks after my mother's death, the massive amount of food delivered to my dad and I was dwindling. I took it upon myself to do the cooking- something I had little knowledge of doing. Every night was battle as I tried to keep the panic of not knowing what I was doing down so dad didn't worry about me. It was also during that time I realized how much I needed my mom. The saddest nearly made me give up entirely.
I couldn't go on like that.
Another activity I took upon myself was cleaning out the kitchen of anything we didn't need- including food.
I started with the top shelf of the pantry where the canned vegetables were. I had never prepared veggies out of can- mom did that- mom did everything that pertained to the kitchen. So naturally I was curious as to how to cook them.
I looked to the directions and there it was- microwave in a bowl for two to three minutes.

MICROWAVE.

IN A BOWL.

FOR TWO TO THREE MINUTES.


There is truly hope in the Jolly Green Giant.

Yes, as I held the can in my hand I felt the overwhelming feeling of...hope. We might just survive this. Hell, someday we might even thrive. Almost every night we had these miracles in a can. Whether it was corn or green beans, it didn't matter, our stomach and peace of mind were filled.
Hope is essential in this life. Even if you have lost faith and love, hope is still there saying there will be better day. Sometimes hope doesn't come in a huge miraculous moment; sometimes hope comes in the ordinary, when you need it the most, when you're so far down in a dark hole looking for any small light. Hope can be found in the smallest most unlikeliness places- you just have to look.

God is a Jerk

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I couldn't pray. It was like a wall was built between God and I. Although I'm sure I built that wall I was just too weak to break it down. So I asked others to pray for my mom while she was in the hospital.
However, on a Saturday night the walls came tumbling down.
I had kept my sanity and anger in check up until that fateful night when I shared the waiting room with an older lady. Earlier that night I offered everyone a plate of cookies my cousins made- everyone turned me down...except the old lady who took the entire plate for herself. An hour later she would return the plate with half the cookies gone, then she would take the plate again and eat the rest.
It wasn't a big deal. I offered them to everyone and she was free to take them...I guess...
Unfortunately she wasn't finished with me yet. There was a Mizzou home football game on which was right across the street from the hospital. It was a very good game so I wanted to watch it.

She changed the channel.

Luckily I could get the game updates on my phone but I was starting to lose it.

After a few minutes of quiet she walked across the waiting room towards the ICU. I thought she was going back to see her loved one. She then made a turn towards me and picked up my Runner's World magazine sitting besides me.
"Are you reading this?" She asked.
"No, but that's mine." I said.
"Are you reading this?"
"No, but..."

She took my magazine.

I lost it.

"God, you're such a jerk!!" I said to God in my head. (Okay, I used a much stronger word but you get my point.)
I stormed out of the room half crying while cursing God...you know, for being a jerk.
I finally found the chapel and I really let God have it.
This whole situation was unfair. I wanted my mom is get better but she wasn't. I wanted to be out of this damn hospital. I wanted to have a quiet night watching a football game but I couldn't even have that.
After I was worn out from kicking and screaming I realized the wall I built was down. (No actual walls were harmed) God never left my side. He even let me call him every name in the book. That night I let God in to see the pain and stress that the week has caused.

The next morning at 6:30am I was told my mom had a massive stroke and wouldn't survive.

The pain was unreal. It was as if someone punched me in the stomach while lighting my heart on fire. I literally couldn't stand up straight but amazingly I could stand...and talk. Barely.
God was literally holding me up and making me talk.

Over the past four months I have yelled at God many, many times. And God has patiently listened all the while holding up so I could yell at him more.
I've tried to push God away, to build that wall back up but have found the only comfort I find is in being with God.

The Waiting Room Universe

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Every Wednesday I will post reflections about the worse and most transformative time of my life. These reflections are about my mothers death and the aftermath of going through that huge shock.
These aren't meant to depress you or for you to feel sorry for me- just some thoughts I happen to write down.
(I wrote most of this while riding back from the hospital one night so it's pretty raw.)


Did you see that?!
Amazing!! (high fives all around)

Did you seriously see her eye flutter??

It's the little things in life that matter now.

Watching a loved ones eyes flutter for the first time after surgery can be as exhilarating as your favorite team winning the super bowl.
And watching their vital signs on the monitor can be just as suspenseful as watching an action movie. Probably more so.
Your world revolves around them and that world is in the solar system known as Waiting Room Universe.
It's like a psychological experiment- for some their trip in this solar system will end in a day for others it will go on for weeks maybe months.
People from every socioeconomic class, religion, political party are in one room and experiencing the most stressful situation of their lives.
They're rooting for each other.
Ironically out of that stress bring forth compassion for their fellow waiting roommates.
In this solar system there are no political party lines dividing these groups of strangers. They're in this room together just trying to get enough sleep so they be ready for whatever the doctors throw at them. Or at least try to be ready.
They'll give up the most comfortable chair to a stranger needing sleep because their loved one was in surgery through the night.
These are the type of people who when you ask how they are they tell how their loved one is doing.
They only have one focus- their ailing loved one. Their mood really is dictated by how their loved one is doing.
In the end we never got to fill out any discharge papers but I will always remember the week when time stood still and my sanity rested on how well mom was doing.

A Special All Souls Day

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I sometimes find being catholic hard, if not impossible. We're not the most respected folks out there and the church's teaching drive me nuts at times.
However, instead of running for door I stay. Yes I not only stay, I thank God for calling me to be Catholic.
Today, I am thankful for the awesomeness of the communion of Saints like never before. I'm extra thankful this year because I have a special "Saint" in heaven watching over me- my mom.
She went home to God a month and a half ago and has not stopped sending me signs that she's watching over me.
It's been very difficult without her- at times nearly impossible- but thanks to the Communion of Saints I know she's watching over my family and I.
I realize my mom is not an official "saint" but I think we can all agree that moms have a special place in God's kin-dom.
So this All Souls' Day I remember the happier times I had with mom and thank God for giving us a gift of the Communion of Saints.

Awkward Catholic is on haitus

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

So it's been awhile since my last post. The good news is, is that I want to write about it, the bad news is, is that I don't have time to write about it.
However, posts are being written (sloooowly) and rewritten (even more slowly) and will be posted as soon as they are done.
Know that each one of you are in my prayers.

Mother Mary For The Win

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I didn't go to Mass today. Yes, I know- it was a holy day of obligation. To be fair I thought Mass near work started at 6, when I got off, it was at 5. Fail.
However, that's not what this post is exactly about...

A month ago I was told my grandma didn't have long to live. I was beyond devastated, especially since I had planned to move ten hours away to be closer to my nuns later that week. I also had my dream job waiting in the broadcasting field. I had to give that up. Even though it was extremely hard to tell my nuns and that job "not yet" something told me I wouldn't regret staying home.
Since making that decision I have regretted staying home. I told God time and time again that I am not a caretaker, I am a broadcaster and social media guru. People told me how noble and great I was to stay and take care of my grandma. Truth was, I couldn't even think about going out to my grandma's house. The thought of seeing her health deteriorate before my eyes was too much.
The guilt was unbearable. I didn't eat for days. After walking out of Mass one night I realized that I couldn't run if I continued not eating. That night I cleaned my plate and I continue to do so- for the most part. Yes, running saved my life.
However, even running couldn't fix the fact that I was failing as a granddaughter. This woman helped raise me when my parents worked long hours, taught me how to read and how to garden. My family was counting on me to help her with chores around the house and keep her from thinking about what was coming. I was losing my mind.

Tonight I was asked to take over garbage bags to grandma's house. She said she decided to clean out the house so we wouldn't have to after she died. I nearly lost it. I kept screaming in my head that I couldn't do this- that something needed to happen- I couldn't do this alone.
This time, instead of making up an excuse to leave, I stayed and talked. She switched gears and suddenly was making jokes that I was used to hearing.
And then God hit me so hard I can only hope it did permanent damage.

I saw the huge blessing that God was giving me- I couldn't image leaving home. THIS is where I belong right NOW.
As I was pulling out of her drive I remembered that this was the Feast day of the Assumption of Mary. So Mary, yet again, came through for me in a HUGE way.

Thank you, Mother Mary!!!

Overthinkers Club

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Today, we have our first guest blogger on Awkward Catholic. Yay! Please welcome Julia with open arms as she tells us about a club most discerners would feel right at home in. I think...

“We should do as few stupid things as possible, but to wait for a time when we would do none would be the stupidest thing of all.” ~ Saint Madeleine Sophie Barat, RSCJ

“Hi, my name is Julia, and I’m an overthinker.”

“Hi, Julia.”

Welcome, reader, to your first meeting of the Overthinkers Club.  We are so glad you could be here with us today!  We like to meet on a fairly regular basis to hash out the products of our ridiculously in-depth analysis of life, the world, and our place in both.  We welcome your questions and comments—just make sure they are appropriately probing and angst-ridden, or else you won’t really fit in.  We spend a lot of time in distress around here.

Our club has a few ground rules that you should probably know about: 1) All declarations should be the ground-breaking result of hours of self-analysis. 2) Any questions must be posed with the intent of “getting to the core” of a person’s true feelings and motivations. 3) Under no circumstances should ANY action be taken on the discoveries made here.  We can’t risk making any mistakes, now, can we?  Better to take your revelations home, think them over, and bring them back next time for more analysis.

As you look around the room, you’ll see that many of us give the distinct impression of not interacting with society on a regular basis.  Right you are, reader; most of us prefer to avoid direct contact with the world at all costs.  After all, this kind of contact might entail making decisions or—heaven forbid—acting on those decisions, and that’s a risk we just can’t take.  It’s much easier to stay holed up inside our homes and ourselves, thinking about possible hypothetical situations but never actually doing anything about them.  That way, we run almost no risk of failure!  Take a look around, reader.  This pale, sickly group of people you see before you, with no real life experiences, plenty of anxiety and an unwillingness to engage with the world—this is what success looks like.

I see that you’re considering this way of life, and I must say, I’m all for it.  Don’t worry if you’re still making decisions; it’s a hard habit to break when you first start overthinking.  If you wake up without worrying that you’re going to mess something up today, just start agonizing over your situation as soon as possible.  You’ll be much better off that way.

We hope to see you back at one of our meetings again soon!  But you don’t have to decide to come back right away—feel free to analyze your decision for a while first.

Nunnabe Diaries: Following

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I was nervous. I couldn't eat, couldn't stop shaking. "What if they don't like me?" "This is such a huge risk." "I could fail a class if I go." "Could I really afford that train ticket?"
Those were the thoughts that swam in my head day in and day out. The only reason I slept was because I was too exhausted to stay awake.

The butterflies were doing major damage to my stomach.

I tried to plan out what I do in every situation. I needed to be prefect. I so wanted them to like me.
I had a small hunch that I would like them...

A week from my first Come and See with "my nuns" I went for a walk. I actually went for a lot walks then because I was useless everywhere else.
I drove to a near-by park and started walking and doing more planning.

Suddenly I heard a voice that sounded like it was outside of me but also in my head*.
It said, "follow me."
I said, "Okay."

Nerves went away and in rushed a peace that has rarely ever left.

The scene of the peace.

I like to think that that was God talking. I'm almost positive it was. What I like about this moment was that God was so gentle. He could have sent a lightening bolt down or wrote "Follow me" in the sky. 

But he didn't. It was the still small voice that I heard. 

In order to hear that voice I must calm myself down. Luckily, Jesus is very good at calming me down. 

Well, him and a glass of wine. 

This moment changed my discernment and possibly my sanity in a big way. I went on that Come and See with a clear head and working stomach. I believe that since these nuns STILL invite me back to their Motherhouse three years later says that it was successful. 

My prayer is for all those who read this blog may listen to that still small voice- it might be small but the adventure is huge.

Nunnabe Diaries: The Wedding

J.M.J.A.T.K.G


Last weekend I attended my friends wedding. She was a good friend of mine in college- in fact she was like a mother to me. She was my biggest supporter when I first started discerning and led me to google anunslife.org - which then lead me to finding my nuns. This is the first wedding in which the bride and the groom are younger than I am- but not by much.
So back to the wedding...
All though-out the ceremony I kept thinking that they were too young- that this isn't real- we're all just playing house right now.
I thought why am I in this big girl dress and when was nap time? Was it just four years ago that Amber and I planned her wedding until 2 in the morning? (You wouldn't think that I would have enjoyed that - you're quite wrong - I want to be the first nun wedding planner. I love weddings.) 
And then there was the sacrament itself- it's just too damn pretty... and a nunnabe killer. 
Again, marriage is a beautiful sacrament and the bride was radiating joy that we all felt. So you couldn't blame me if I wanted to be in her shoes. 
However, that wasn't necessarily the case. Amber and Nick were living out who they truly were... And that made me appreciate my own me-ness. I looked around at my group of college friends and could see all of our puzzle pieces slowly starting to fit together. We were getting engaged, finding "big people" jobs and moving towards our own me-ness. 
Also because two people found their vocation we gathered together to celebrate and be with one another. And celebrate we did- It was a Catholic wedding after all...
After I got back home the same group of friends decided to hang out once again. While playing cards I kept thinking that because Amber and Nick got married we were having another great night together.
This doesn't happen with just weddings- it also happens when Religious take vows or have jubilees. People gather together to celebrate and be with one another. 
It's one of those moments when it's obvious the vocation becomes bigger than the one or two taking vows. And that my friends is one of the reasons why vocations are awesome. 

Nunnabe Diaries: The Dinner

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Mission: To dispel every nun stereotype to a group of mostly Catholic adults at dinner.


Last night a group of adults that were on a retreat with me took me out to dinner. They knew that I was thinking about Religious Life and wanted to show their support. This was the first time anyone has ever done this.
I was a bit nervous because I knew I would be the only single person there. And I was kinda the guest of honor. However, I thought this would be a great opportunity to dispel some stereotypes about "nunnabes" and nuns.

That was until someone ordered a pitcher of margaritas.

She only asked for two glasses.

Needless to say, I don't remember much about the dinner. Although, my margarita partner's husband said he was impressed that I held my liquor so well.

I'm sure that dispelled a stereotype or two...

So I didn't make a fancy speech about vocations and what it's like to be a nun. The important thing was, is that everyone had a great time and ate some really great food and drank some even better margaritas. However, there was one point I tried to make, that even though I was thinking about Religious Life, it doesn't mean that I will become a nun. At times I thought they were sending me off forever- to never see me again. I tried to convince them that I could come back to the area- just not as often.
I also tried to convince them that I haven't entered yet. That I still want to move closer to my nuns so I can make a better decision. I think I got that message through.
Even though this is "The Awkward Catholic" I really wish these things were not so awkward. This is just another moment, another experience that makes this journey an adventure.

Here's some of the awesome gifts I received:

Greatest. Sign. Ever.

Not surprisingly, this is the card that went with the sign.