Nunnabe Diaries: Following

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

I was nervous. I couldn't eat, couldn't stop shaking. "What if they don't like me?" "This is such a huge risk." "I could fail a class if I go." "Could I really afford that train ticket?"
Those were the thoughts that swam in my head day in and day out. The only reason I slept was because I was too exhausted to stay awake.

The butterflies were doing major damage to my stomach.

I tried to plan out what I do in every situation. I needed to be prefect. I so wanted them to like me.
I had a small hunch that I would like them...

A week from my first Come and See with "my nuns" I went for a walk. I actually went for a lot walks then because I was useless everywhere else.
I drove to a near-by park and started walking and doing more planning.

Suddenly I heard a voice that sounded like it was outside of me but also in my head*.
It said, "follow me."
I said, "Okay."

Nerves went away and in rushed a peace that has rarely ever left.

The scene of the peace.

I like to think that that was God talking. I'm almost positive it was. What I like about this moment was that God was so gentle. He could have sent a lightening bolt down or wrote "Follow me" in the sky. 

But he didn't. It was the still small voice that I heard. 

In order to hear that voice I must calm myself down. Luckily, Jesus is very good at calming me down. 

Well, him and a glass of wine. 

This moment changed my discernment and possibly my sanity in a big way. I went on that Come and See with a clear head and working stomach. I believe that since these nuns STILL invite me back to their Motherhouse three years later says that it was successful. 

My prayer is for all those who read this blog may listen to that still small voice- it might be small but the adventure is huge.

Nunnabe Diaries: The Wedding

J.M.J.A.T.K.G


Last weekend I attended my friends wedding. She was a good friend of mine in college- in fact she was like a mother to me. She was my biggest supporter when I first started discerning and led me to google anunslife.org - which then lead me to finding my nuns. This is the first wedding in which the bride and the groom are younger than I am- but not by much.
So back to the wedding...
All though-out the ceremony I kept thinking that they were too young- that this isn't real- we're all just playing house right now.
I thought why am I in this big girl dress and when was nap time? Was it just four years ago that Amber and I planned her wedding until 2 in the morning? (You wouldn't think that I would have enjoyed that - you're quite wrong - I want to be the first nun wedding planner. I love weddings.) 
And then there was the sacrament itself- it's just too damn pretty... and a nunnabe killer. 
Again, marriage is a beautiful sacrament and the bride was radiating joy that we all felt. So you couldn't blame me if I wanted to be in her shoes. 
However, that wasn't necessarily the case. Amber and Nick were living out who they truly were... And that made me appreciate my own me-ness. I looked around at my group of college friends and could see all of our puzzle pieces slowly starting to fit together. We were getting engaged, finding "big people" jobs and moving towards our own me-ness. 
Also because two people found their vocation we gathered together to celebrate and be with one another. And celebrate we did- It was a Catholic wedding after all...
After I got back home the same group of friends decided to hang out once again. While playing cards I kept thinking that because Amber and Nick got married we were having another great night together.
This doesn't happen with just weddings- it also happens when Religious take vows or have jubilees. People gather together to celebrate and be with one another. 
It's one of those moments when it's obvious the vocation becomes bigger than the one or two taking vows. And that my friends is one of the reasons why vocations are awesome. 

Nunnabe Diaries: The Dinner

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Mission: To dispel every nun stereotype to a group of mostly Catholic adults at dinner.


Last night a group of adults that were on a retreat with me took me out to dinner. They knew that I was thinking about Religious Life and wanted to show their support. This was the first time anyone has ever done this.
I was a bit nervous because I knew I would be the only single person there. And I was kinda the guest of honor. However, I thought this would be a great opportunity to dispel some stereotypes about "nunnabes" and nuns.

That was until someone ordered a pitcher of margaritas.

She only asked for two glasses.

Needless to say, I don't remember much about the dinner. Although, my margarita partner's husband said he was impressed that I held my liquor so well.

I'm sure that dispelled a stereotype or two...

So I didn't make a fancy speech about vocations and what it's like to be a nun. The important thing was, is that everyone had a great time and ate some really great food and drank some even better margaritas. However, there was one point I tried to make, that even though I was thinking about Religious Life, it doesn't mean that I will become a nun. At times I thought they were sending me off forever- to never see me again. I tried to convince them that I could come back to the area- just not as often.
I also tried to convince them that I haven't entered yet. That I still want to move closer to my nuns so I can make a better decision. I think I got that message through.
Even though this is "The Awkward Catholic" I really wish these things were not so awkward. This is just another moment, another experience that makes this journey an adventure.

Here's some of the awesome gifts I received:

Greatest. Sign. Ever.

Not surprisingly, this is the card that went with the sign. 

Nunnabe Diaries: More bits of wisdom from yoda Audra

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Life is still crazy however I'm finding bits of wisdom from a younger me. I swear, I was smarter when I was younger. I don't know what happened to me.

Comments in bold are my comments now.

January 22, 2009

My outlook on life is changing...for the better. This discernment process has been a great thing...but now I feel that trying religious life has to be a long way off...like a few months to a year or when you're 23...but that's okay.
This is the first time that something has made me change...maybe down the line something else will do this to me nope, it's still Religious Life- nice try though.. maybe not, but right now I'm happy of the changes...
Also last night was hard. I doubted everything and I believe it took being so uncertain about things to learn the things I know now. Way to be deep 20 year old me! I really needed to read this today.

It stinks that I have to learn this way but it is what it is.

Nunnabe Diaries: A post from long ago...

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

My life is crazy right now. So instead of neglecting this blog I thought I would share a journal entry I wrote a few years ago...

December 19, 2008

3am

I have to do this...God won't leave me alone. Also, I want to be challenged in my faith and life. I don't think I want to settle down and wonder if...
I want to do something with my life and I need support. I can't do this along..
I have to tell my parents, I have to let my high school friends know. I want to be happy... I love serving. I love God!
This is not going to be easy. But I'm proud of myself for at least trying. I'm so afraid of failure. "What if they (the nuns) accept me? What if I blow my chance at becoming a nun...
Hmm... Sr.Audra...I can deal with that!
Maybe I can sleep at a decent hour now..LOL..nah! I am really happy, relieved that I made a decision...I have to try!
I have potential..I hope they see. I can do great things!

I have to try. Let Go...Let God.

My awkward 15 minutes of fame

J.M.J.A.T.K.G

Well this is awkward - yet - very awesome. Over 1,000 of you have discovered this blog through a story I was interviewed for by the Associated Press. What I thought would be a little story on nuns using the internet has been picked up by such news sources as Huffington Post and ABC news.
It's been a humbling two days to say the least. I hope some of you stick around to see where this adventure called discerning Religious Life will take me. (Trust me, you'll REALLY want to stay around - I might have an announcement to make in a few months...)
Also, I hope that you check out my article buddies website as well and show them some love.
Thank you all for checking out this blog. I am truly humbled.

I'll write more later...got to go pay the bills! 

Nunnabe Dairies: A tiny step forward on Mount Everest

J.M.J.A.T.K.G 

About a month ago, I was with my nuns at their Motherhouse or Mothership as we like to call it. I have visited the motherhouse five times before; each time meeting and sometimes remeeting the nuns. Often times I was lead around by either the vocation director or another nun since the motherhouse was so big. Since I was fairly new I would be introduced to every nun that came our way. This meant that I would meet up to fifty nuns during a visit. It was very overwhelming to say the least. (I’m an introvert by nature.)

However this time was different.

When we arrived, the two nuns I rode with had to go to a meeting so that left me to walk to lunch by myself. I’ll never forget how freeing it felt to walk to point A to point B by myself and actually know where I was going. On the way there I came across three nuns who actually knew who I was. (I couldn’t remember their names- they didn’t seem to care)

This happened again and again over the next five days. The anxiety of being in a new place was slowly dissipating. To my surprise, the motherhouse was starting to feel like home. 

I thought I wouldn't miss being lead around the motherhouse or meeting so many nuns, but I did. I was saying good-bye to one phase of discernment that I will never have back - at least with this community. Meeting all of those nuns was overwhelming and exhausting but I can now step back and appreciate it. It obliviously had to be done. Or course, there are many sisters who live far away that I haven't met yet. However, they'll probably know me by seeing my face in several of the order's newsletters and such.

Even though this is only a few small steps on the Mount Everest that is discernment; it's still taking me to new heights. (Very sorry for the cliche but it stays)

Will every step I take be just as bittersweet or more so?

In any case, this whole discernment thing is full of twists and turns that I never expected. I keep thinking that this is so much bigger than I am - it's completely in God's hands. 

This whole discernment thing just got a whole lot more real... and awkward.